My very good day

Last monday was a fantastic day for me. I wake up next to my amazing fiancee after being sick in bed all the day before. I'm still not feeling 100% but we go out for breakfast together and have a delicious perfect sized meal that gives me some much needed energy for the day. I drop him off at work and head down to Morgan Hill. Despite getting stuck in traffic I am still able to make it to my 11:30 interview at Red Robins. The interview goes about 15 minutes, most of which me and the manager interviewing me just spend the whole time agreeing with each other. She lets me know that she'll call me at 5 to let me know if I got it or not.

I have an hour to kill before I start my first day at the library and I remember this fantastic DSW gift card my uncle gave me and head over and find the perfect shoes for New Years Eve. They are everything that I could want in a shoe: tall, silver, sparkely and with an adorable ankel strap. If I could tap dance in them they might be my ideal shoe. We will have a grand love affair that of course will have it's bumps in the road, what with me getting extreme blisters or regreating the skinny heel after a few glasses of champaign. We'll make up though. Heck, these might be my back up wedding day shoes. But it may be too early in our relationship to say that...

1:00 rolls around and I head over to the closed library where my new boss Belinda shows me around. She has me organize a few carts for her and is thrilled when I do it right each time. I have my own locker in the amazingly awesome break room. Walking through the aisle I see countless books that I tell myself I need to check out. And when it's 5:00, Belinda says I'm free to go. I have a start time and and end time, and they stick with it. It's amazing. I could definitely get used to that.

After I get in the truck I give Brian a call and we go to meet up at Starbucks for coffee and chatter. I then get a call from Red Robin telling me I got the job and I can start next week. I then go to Rosey's for $5 beer and burger with my mom and brother to celebrate now my 2 new jobs. Kenny and my dad come to meet us and after a delicious dinner, me and Kenny drive home and cuddle up to "It's always sunny in Philadelphia."

The best part of this day was it just set the tone for the rest of the week. I still love my job, everyone is still excited to have me work there, and I was able to have lunch with one of my bridesmaids/ coworkers today. I think this might be it for me. I feel like my life is going in the right direction. Being a grown up rocks.

Bitchin' about my mom

I'm sitting in the living room watching the eagles/49ers game, knowing full well I'll have no football friends out here this week and it seems like it's the right time to write in my blog. I'm not sure what I need to write about, but the writing bug has bitten and you don't ignore bug bites.

I got back from one of the most unique trips to the east coast I've ever had. It was half good half bad. The good was I got to bring Kenny, introduce him to everyone and everyone to him. They all loved him of course, who could blame them, he's awesome and wonderful and I'm thankful everyday to have him in my life loving me and giving me strength and stability (but that's not where I want this blog to go, Kenny knows I love him, no one else wants to hear me ranting about it). We also got lots of free food between being taken out to dinner by family members and weddings and whatnot, my jeans are certainly tighter now than a few weeks ago. Both weddings we attended were awesomely wonderful and beautiful and the love was almost tangible between the bride and groom. The bad: my parents, no, not parents actually, my mother.

Let me remind all you gentle readers that I love my mom. She's my mommy. She went through 9 months and 9 days with me in her and 38 hours of me taking my sweet time coming out. She cares for me, wants me to be happy and yeah, I love her. She's driving me crazy lately. To start off, she's divorcing my dad. What's worse is she's divorcing my dad for changing reasons. At first it was his drinking, which was far out of hand. However, with the exception of half a glass of champaign at my engagement dinner, he hasn't drank anything in almost 5 months. If you knew my dad, you'd know what an accomplishment this is for him. Then my mom decides it's cause he's not bringing in money for the home. He makes a sale and brings in some money. Now, now I don't know what it is. She goes back east and on the car ride home from the airport she tells me this trip has just made her realize that she needs to divorce my dad once and for all, and she "knows it's not what I want to hear." No freakin' duh, mom. I wanted them to work things out. I hoped so many times (rarely outloud since it'd be too embarassing when it doesn't happen) that they would find a way to be back in love. I can't understand what has happened to make her think this is the only way. Frankly it doesn't matter. She's clearly upset that I don't want to talk about it. "I just thought that you were old and mature enough to talk about this." she says. I respond that you never are old enough to hear about your mom falling out of love with your father.

She also said I've made my allegence clear that I'm with my father by staying with his mother for the majority of the trip. This was not because I hate my mom and her family, but simply because she offered and had room for Kenny and I whereas her side did not. Not to mention she lived in close proximity to all the wedding events I had to attend. Also I stayed with her mother for two uncomfortable nights anyways, sleeping on the floor in her living room.

After dropping her off on Monday I don't talk to her again until Friday night when I see if she wants to meet for lunch the next day (Kenny's idea, not mine, I'm fine not talking to her until Christmas). She says sure, but throws in a guilt dripping "It's nice to hear from you" at the end of the convo. I want to yell the phone works both ways but restrain myself.

Oh, well. The bright side of Christmas is that I get to spend most of it with Kenny's family who has completely welcomed me in. We went over to wrap presents last night and with the rest of the family's stockings was one with my name on it complete with a Donald Duck pin and a Phillies logo on it. I'm going to love being a Mendez.

Dreamcatchers

I bought a dreamcatcher back in middle school on a trip to the Grand Canyon, just because I thought they looked really cool. I like things that have a superstition or a story behind them even though I rarely believe in them. I liked having a conversation piece in my room that also happened to go along with the pretty pink decor I was trying to establish. Funny thing, about a year or two after hanging it up I realized my nightmares stopped. I never had that many bad dreams to start off with, but I was wracking my brain trying to think of one I had had recently. I chalked this up to both good luck with maybe just a tad of placebo effect. Either way, I was happy.

I moved in with Kenny about 4 months ago leaving pretty much all my room decor back there. Since then I've had at least 2 nightmares a month. There's no theme with this dreams at all, just random bad things happening or people coming to attack me and me trying to get away. Last night I dreamed of a little boy from my summer camp trying to stab the evil out of me. The nightmares do all end the same way, however, me flailing my arms about until Kenny wakes me up and me being confused as to where I'm waking up.

Could me not sleeping by my dream catcher really be affecting this? Or maybe it's just my subconscious dealing with new problems in my life such as my parents divorce in weird abstract form. At the end of the day though, it's really fantastic that I have someone right there to calm my nerves and stroke my hair til I fall back asleep. And if things get really bad, I may just hang up another dream catcher, just in case...

10 reasons to smile today

I feel like I've been complaining a lot lately (and I expect to put a complainy post on here before the week is up) so I'm going to counteract negative energy with a list of 10 things I'm happy for today.

1. Kenny got me a new computer cord since my old one was falling apart and now it stays plugged in at all times.

2. Kenny made me my favorite gnocchi last night when he knew I was having a rough day.

3. I don't have work any day but Sunday this week which is helpful since it's that one week where working is not ideal (and on a related note, totally not pregnant, yay!).

4. Not one, but two ex's have asked me out of the blue if I was engaged this week which means that not one, but two of them see this not only as a real possibility but also something that they're curious enough to know to contact me after weeks or months of no contact at all. Ego has been stroked.

5. I have my dress and shoes all ready for my friends wedding on Saturday where the weather is supposed to be sunny and warm :-)

6. I'm turning 25 in less than two weeks and I'm actually feeling surprised that I'm not 25 already rather than freaking out over getting old like I have been the past 3 years.

7. Hold the nuts drumsticks are like the best thing ever and I still have some in the freezer.

8. Managed not to make a drunken fool out of myself at the bachlorette party last weekend.

9. Found 2 potential apartment complexes that would be nice to move into in February.

10. I'm going to Disneyland in a week and a half!

Angry rant not directed at anyone who would read this

I'm irrationally mad at someone. I hate knowing that it's irrational cause that means I can bitch about it less, but this is my blog so there you have it. I can't call him up yelling so I'll release my frustrations here. I don't have a strong focus here, but I need to let this out.

My last serious relationship didn't end on the best of terms, but we still maintained a friendship for a good long while. He had a little too much to drink on his birthday, I made sure to get him home safe and get him hydrated. His uncle died, I was at the funeral. His parents split, and I was sure to check in on him and brought him out from time to time. I wasn't this uber fantastic friend though, I kept my distance. I was the one that ended things and I didn't want him thinking we were getting back together, but time and time again I tried to be as much a friend to him as I could, after all, we were together for two and a half years.

This all changed not after I started dating again, but after he did. I was so happy that he was moving on. I was dating someone else too around the same time and so I figured it would be great and happy. He was even dating someone who knew the guy I was dating. How perfect is that? I invited both of them to my birthday party and they didn't show. At mutual friends parties the conversations became shorter and colder. I don't think I've changed. My grandfather passed away, the grandfather who he liked him. I got a facebook message of "wow, I'm sorry." That hurt but I understood it to an extent. He was starting off a new relationship, I don't know if maybe his girlfriend didn't get along with my boyfriend.

Then me and the boyfriend broke up, my ex and his girlfriend were still fine, and now it's my parents going through a divorce. As much as that sucks on it's own, it hurts even more that someone who used to swear that they loved me and they cared about me didn't so much as offer a half hearted "if you need to talk give me a call some time." He didn't even have to mean it. I wasn't fully sure if he knew about it, I suspected he did though. Even the guy I dated for 5 months offered to be a sympathetic ear, and I don't even think he liked me all that much. My closest friends help just by asking, and they really can't relate even. One's parents split when he was 6 and he hasn't seen his dad in 10 years, his advice to me is of course to ditch my dad, I don't need them. Another parents are still married though it's difficult at times. Another's mom passed away 6 years ago. They still all let me talk, and let me know I can talk.

The last time I talked to the ex he told me he had heard about it. I think this hurt more than anything. He mentioned it casually, barely looking up from his potato salad. I wanted nothing more than to scream at him all the hurt I was feeling. How it killed me that I tried so hard to be there for him during his bad times and now that I was going through the same damned thing, only add a double dose of alcoholism to mine, and he hastily changes the conversation to his up coming vacation. I do regret things in my past, I know it's unhealthy but I do, and while I don't regret being there for him as a friend, I regret ever thinking he could be a friend for me.

Cause I haven't posted in a while...

I begin this blog only knowing that I'm supposed to write, not knowing what I'll be writing about. I'm tired of only reporting the same old things: parents are divorcing, dad's still drinking, things with the boyfriend are good, things with my job are the same. Hey what do you know, I did that anyways. But there's more to me than bullet points, I'm almost sure of it. I've been planning my future a lot lately which has turned me into one of those people I hate. Those people who are so busy thinking of the next step that they can't even take time to enjoy what they have. But really, I don't feel like I have that much to enjoy right now. I don't mean that how it sounds, life could be way worse than it is, but it's just feeling a little static now and I'm looking forward to a change. Whether that's moving into a place that really feels like I have a right to be there or planning a wedding or starting a new job or caring for a kitten even, I want a change. That's all stuff that's going to happen in the future though. I need to focus on the here and now. Maybe football season will help with that...

More about weddings

Ok, so even more people are getting married this year. It's like almost crazy at this point. I guess I am at that age where people are settling down and whatnot, but seriously, I've just heard about 2 coworkers who got engaged within the last week, I still have my two weddings that I'm a bridesmaid for coming up in October and December, and I just got back from a wedding last weekend. This is nice that there are good happy times to be had and I think it's beautiful that people are celebrating their love and whatnot, but....I'm going broke trying to keep up with all of them. I just had to order my dress for my cousin's wedding which cost me almost $200, I damn well better get to wear this dress again. Then I realized that I'm needing to pay for my tickets out there. And get a present. And get a present for the bridal shower (which I was invited to, but flying out east for that? hells no), and there's the bachelorette party which sounds uber fun, but jeeze, I don't have frequent flyer miles. Then I still need to get a dress and a present for my friend's birthday in October, I luckily already threw the bridal shower and it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to be a big driving force in the bachelorette party too (meaning shell out more money for it). This wedding I went to last week I paid $50 for a present, $120 for a hotel, and my boyfriend paid quite a bit in gas. Not to mention the food and such we had to buy along the way. I was left with a ceremony that was under 2 hours where they tried to convert us all to Baptists and feed us only a slice of cake and some finger foods.

It's definitely getting me thinking about what I'm going to have to do for my wedding. I want to make sure my guests get the bang for their buck, but I also don't want to be going broke paying for it myself. My parents aren't exactly rolling in the money right now but I really do want to celebrate the great union I will partake in. It's just amazing how stressful weddings are, for the people throwing them, for the people going to them, and the people like me who are only hypothetically planning one that might happen in the next couple of years. I feel like I need a nap now...

Real Friends

I'm not entirely sure if I've ever written on this before. I write a lot of blogs that are never actually inputted to my laptop, but this is certainly a topic I've thought of many a time and one at this point in my life is near and dear to my heart.
First off, let me fill all readers in on something that you may or may not know. My mom has asked my dad for a divorce. My parents have been married for 26 years so this is a little bit of a hard pill to swallow. I never once doubted their love for each other. I thought I was one of those lucky folks who would get to plan their parents 50th someday. And even now, the pain and upsetness I feel I can't isolate from the disappointment that I was wrong about things. I'm 24 now, this won't affect me that much. But let me be frank, this sucks. My dad is absolutely desperate to be with my mom and my mom is absolutely desperate to be rid of him. My dad is an alcoholic, this isn't new, but my mom has had enough. He's 4 days sober but that's too little too late. And a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm not fully ready to get into, that's not the point of this blog.
The point is, friends that I thought I was really close to haven't called me up at all, even knowing what I'm going through. I know it's awkward to say "hey, how's your parents divorce going?" but simply asking "how are you doing with everything?" does wonders. I was caught off guard a few weeks back when I was updating a friend on things in my life and he asked how I was doing with my parent situation. It was so refreshing to hear. I got an email from an old friend that I really haven't been close with in over 4 years that I saw last week and updated my life on my parents and he said he was here for me. It's amazing that after so much time and distance has gone by, he's put in any effort to make sure I'm ok at all, and it's so immensely comforting. On the flip of that, my former best friend of the last year and a half only just found out the stuff with my parents and not because she asked how that was going but because I had to explain to her why things were so crappy for me lately. She claims she's missed me, but she's made no effort to do anything with me. I'm just so lost on what's worth trying for and what's not. Who can I talk to? Who can I trust? Who even cares? Eh, enough whining for one night, I'm off to eat ricearoni.

Happy Work Moment

So I agreed to work for Fathers Day despite working at the Tech Museum this summer, and they put me as a closer on Sunday night, the bastards. Marie Callenders closes at 10 pm on Sunday nights. At 9:55 4 men came in. I was pissed. And more importantly tired. They took their time ordering, ordered drinks from the bar I had to make since I was the only server on, and had to go through two credit cards before getting a third that would be accepted. However, they left me a $30 tip and were actually quite delightful and not too demanding, and didn't finish the bottle of wine I recommended for them to which Leo said I could take home. So yay for late customers who are good tippers. It was well worth the extra 30 minutes I had to stay there. Now to sleep.

Been a while...

This post will be short and sweet, but just long enough to keep any of my readers still interested. I think I'm up to two now! Go me!

Career Life:
Started work at the Tech Museum again. Afternoon class is all boys and they actually listen better than the girls. This may be because they're more interested in creating their own video game than the girls are, or maybe I'm just looking that good these days. Either way I'm happy. Should be an awesome summer. On a funny note, when asked "what kinds of people create video games?" rather then answering "artists" or "programers", one of our campers yelled out "Japenese people!" Hard to deny something that seems so true.

Home Life:
Dad may get a job in Texas. He knows I am not going with him, yet he seems to be under the illusion that my mom and brother might, whereas I'm not as sure. Either way, he seems to be counting chickens that aren't even eggs yet. And he yelled at me for not spending more nights at home. Thanks dad, cause you see all the work I put into the household I barely live at anymore.

Personal Life:
Boyfriend's awesome, I love him. Just got back from the 3rd Disneyland trip of the year. I'll be heading back in a month for a wedding. Season pass was a good idea. And Jessica and I seem to be on the mend. Yays, up to two girl friends now.

That's all for now. Feel free to post any questions, comments, riddles, what have you. Better posts will follow soon.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Childhood sentimental crap. I'm trying to clean out my closet right now and I can't bare to part with things from my childhood. I have my American Girl dolls which I don't think I've touched even in the last 7 years, but there they are sitting in my closet and I just can't get rid of them. I don't know if I'm planning on saving them for when I have kids of my own, cause honestly, I never wanted to play with the dolls my mom had when she was a kid. They were old and smelled funny and not nearly as sexy looking as Pink Starlight Barbie. I don't want to give them to goodwill because the girls who will buy them there won't know to use a wig brush on their hair, and oh my god you need to use a wig brush! As I'm typing this right now I'm watching a vhs tape with a special on the spice girls that I recorded ages ago and I can't even part with that. I will likely never watch this tape again, but it's just too damned hard to get rid of. I'm 24, when do I want to get rid of it?

Quiting

Quiting jobs kinda sucks. I'm turning in my two weeks notice to one of my jobs tomorrow. I think this is so hard because I'm working for a family with their son, so it's not an official job, which means it's going to be harder on them to find a replacement for them. At the same time if they're angry at me I don't have to worry that much since I'm not planning on working with them again anyways. I was honest with them when I told them that I had a summer job already and while we had talked about me still working with them there's honestly no way it would be convenient for me. I'm working up in San Jose until 5:30 on some days meaning realistically without a car I wouldn't be available to work with William until 6:30 or 7. Not to mention, I really don't want to do that. I also don't want to work weekends and if I did, it would be at Marie Calenders. I am still feeling bad about this. I don't like this job though, and I don't agree with the way I'm told to do things, and it's really not helping anyone if I'm giving lip service to a job. Who knows, maybe they'll be so upset they tell me not to bother coming in the next two weeks. But I shouldn't get too hopeful. Wish me luck.

Fun Fact Friday

1. I think the prettiest color for shoes in the world is silver. I don't know why I love them so much nor do I own many pairs, but they're so pretty.

2. As I've gotten older I've wanted things less and less. I feel like I own too much stuff right now and am working to widdle that down. Haven't made much progress in that yet...

3. I am more comfortable in heels than flats.

4. Gin makes me sick, tequila makes me mean, vodka makes me friendly.

5. I enjoy collecting fairy tale books, especially hard cover ones.

Random Musing

I really kinda want an office job in my life. I feel like my job as a file clerk 5 years ago was completely wasted. I have so many interesting thoughts I want to share with the world, yet sadly no time to share them with my busy go-go lifestyle. Well, not so go-go, but I certainly don't get to use a computer at work. Sad times.

Now I have a whole messa fun posts I want to write but by the time I have enough free time to sit down and write them, I have forgotten what it was I wanted to say. I have a few great posts planned and once school is done and I've quit my other less exciting jobs, I'll have lots of time to write, that is assuming the boyfriend doesn't take up all my free time. I think once we get to see each other more than just 3 waking hours a day he'll tire a bit of me. That's how relationships work right? It's been so long since I was in a good healthy one I can't remember.

Anyways, fear not, gentle reader. Julie's pearls of wisdom shall be more abundant soon enough...

Reoccuring Dream

Last night I had a dream that I've had a few times before. I'm in a city and trying to get back to my car in a bad neighborhood. Each street I walk down takes me further away from where I know my car is. I keep wanting to go back the other way but for some reason I don't. Then I get held up by a gun with a gun, but I still resist. The dream is over before anything happens, but it's still unsettling. This dream was a little different too since my boyfriend was there with me, but he wasn't my current boyfriend, he was my ex, but it was still meant to be the current one and I was really really worried that I wasn't attracted to him. I don't know if my subconcious is worried that I eventually won't be attracted to my boyfriend or something like that, but it was a little worrisome. But oh well, it's over now.

Weddings

First off, is it just me or is everyone getting married this year? I've been invited to 3 so far this year alone, and a very probably 4th next spring. Of these 3, I'm a bridesmaid for 2. This sounded fun and glamourous at first but there are things I didn't take into account. The bridesmaid dress I had planned for, but I had no idea how hard it would be. One of the dresses is supposed to be white, the other black. This is nice in the fact that I'll be able to wear them again and such, but do you know how hard it is to find bridesmaid dresses in those colors? Then I also had the pleasure in planning my friends bridal shower. This too seemed good in theory, but scheduling it at a time where her mom was in the country and her fiance's family wasn't expecting a baby to pop out an any minute proved quite difficult. I have to wonder if they're really that worth it. That said, I'm totally having a wedding. How else can I pay back my bridesmaids?

Guy "Friends"

I have a lot of guy friends. I'm pretty sure they outnumber my girl friends 3 to 1. For the most part, they're completely platonic friendships. We honestly just enjoy each other's company and talk about movies, sports, whatever really. I consider myself not a tomboy, but rather a girl that is very guy minded. These days I prefer beer to mixed drinks, watching hockey to watching Grey's Anatomy, and always insist on splitting the cost of things in relationships. Not to sound completely full of myself, but I think I'm a pretty fun chick to hang out with. And not to sound even more full of myself, I think a lot of my friends would agree. Yet, I notice a shift in almost all of their attitudes with one simple change in my life: they get more distant when I have a boyfriend.

To be absolutely fair, a good number of my guy friends I have some kind of romantic history with. Either it was we dated for a while or there was always this unspoken attraction between us or even me pining for them or them pining for me. Still, the majority of these guys are in relationships with other girls and those that I have dated we broke up for a reason and there was plenty of opportunity for us to get back together if we had wanted to. They don't make a play for me when I'm single at all. We never talk about having a relationship. So why should it change now that I'm seeing someone else?

Also, is it their attitudes that are changing or my own? Maybe I'm subconsciously pushing them away so to make room for my new beau to be the most important guy in my life. Either way, it's a little annoying that I no longer feel as close with people who I used to, or that they seem to want to talk to me less or see me less. Who knows, maybe I'm just reading into this way too much and nothing's changed at all. Well, one can hope, right?

Fun Fact Friday

1. I hate tomatoes but love ketchup and marinara.


2. I'd rather be too hot than too cold.

3. I do lent every year dispite not considering myself a real catholic.

4. I hate texting family members, but perfer texting to talking on the phone to friends.

5. I'm a huge planner and would totally be ok having my whole life planned out completely from today onward.

Hmm...

"Actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix had to be restrained by a security guard at a gig in Florida - after he launched himself at a heckler in the audience.
The star - who has quit acting to pursue a hip-hop career - was playing a gig at the Fontainebleau Miami Beach hotel in Miami on Wednesday night when the incident occurred.
Fans packed into the hotel's nightclub waited four hours until Phoenix eventually appeared on stage at 2am, mumbling the words to his songs over a backing track.
And when one man began jeering from the crowd, Phoenix jumped down from the stage to confront him, yelling, "We have a b**** in the audience. I've got $1 million in the bank, what have you got."
Phoenix was restrained by security guards and dragged away.
Audience member Jorge Lledo says, "I saw the guy screaming at Joaquin, and Joaquin just came down."
The incident was captured on camera by Phoenix's brother-in-law Casey Affleck, who is said to be filming the star's career change for a documentary."

So, this has got to be an act right? Joaquin could not go from being an Oscar nominee to some drugged out homeless guy getting in fights with random losers in Miami. This guy is more on the radar now for this weird thing he's got going on than he was for starring in movies. And having brother-in-law Casey around to catch it all on tape, it just sounds a little "This is Spinal Tap" for me. Should make for an interesting movie none the less.

Fun Fact Friday

1. I'm terrified of being in bathrooms with the lights off thanks to a sad belief in Bloody Mary that I don't want to take the risk of being true.

2. I believe that the worst red wine is better than the best white wine.

3. My favorite thing in the world to fall asleep to is Family Guy commentary. I fully believe I know all of those people now.

4. If I could be any animal, it'd be an owl.

5. I make a wish everytime the clock says 10:19, either am or pm.

*Sigh*

I'm wondering how many times I can turn down a guy and still have him asking me to come over. My last boyfriend, if you can call him that, broke up with me in December. I saw it coming and was in fact trying to decide if I wanted to work on it or just admit defeat myself, but he made the decision for me. He said there was a wall there, I didn't seem happy anyways, and a whole bunch of other vague stuff that basically boiled down to him not wanting to be with me.

Since breaking up I've realized how much time and energy I wasted on being sad about him. I think the main thing I was upset about is he met so many of the things I wanted in a boyfriend. He loved sports, the same kind of movies I did, he was republican (my god is it hard to find another republican out here), and of course a fantastic kisser. I mourned losing my boyfriend the shark's fan, my boyfriend "the soup" watcher, my boyfriend that would dance with me at bars. I didn't mourn really losing him though. I healed quickly. Actually by new years I had already found someone I was interested in.

About a month or two after we broke up, he started talking to me again. I hate burning bridges so I talk back and before you know it we're flirty friends. As my feelings for this new guy intensify, my feelings for my ex start to fad. It appears the more my feelings for my ex disappear, the more his feelings for me grow stronger. He's indicating that he wants to work things out and try again, of course not in those words (I'm pretty sure that he feels if he never says it he can never be held accountable for anything). So now here I am feeling bad for him when I really shouldn't cause I don't owe him anything and I was willing to work on this back in December and now I'm ready to move on to someone who really wants to be with me. I just wish I knew the best way to help him move on so I can be free to go be giddy.

Karma

Yes, yes, I missed Fun Fact Friday, but that's cause I've had an action packed weekend, so I hope all 1 or 2 of you who read this will forgive me. Today I'm going to be discussing Karma. Bet you didn't see that one coming with the title and all. I'm a believer of Karma, it must be the Libra in me. I think the universe balances itself out, that good things can happen to good people, and that bad things can happen to bad people. I also believe that too much bad luck will lead to a pleasant change of events. Sadly, this means too much good luck will lead to some bad times. This was certainly true this weekend. I had a fantastic Thursday night only to be followed by a horrible Friday morning.

I'm wondering if maybe this isn't all in my head though. Good and bad things happen all the time, they don't have to be related. Maybe it's my way of cheering myself up when things get tough. Don't worry, something good's bound to happen soon. Or my way of not being able to enjoy happy times since I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There may be no shoes at all. Either way, I'm intrigued by it and like to think my good deeds will be rewarded. So maybe I should just stick to being a good person just in case and when good things happen, enjoy them because it's earned.

Fun Fact Friday

1. Despite my crippling fear of clowns, my favorite episode of "The Simpsons" is the episode where Homer goes to clown college. My favorite episode of South Park also has some clowns in it.


2. My dreams all feel very real to me, so much in fact that the next day I have to continuously remind myself that they were just dreams. This becomes especially problematic when I have romantic dreams about a friend.

3. I love undercooked food so much that sometimes I make brownie mix or cookie dough with no intension of putting either in the oven.

4. I like doing jigsaw puzzles completely alone so when it's completed I get full credit for it. It's both selfish and a wee bit sad, but I don't seem to care or realize this until after it's completed.

5. I have started at least 8 knitting or crocheting projects that I have not yet completed. That said, I am still in complete denial that I will one day finish them.

Random Musing before work

I sometimes wonder how much I am affected by what I am told I am verses what I actually am. For example, I am a Libra. By definition I am social, outgoing, dramatic, and fair and balanced. I consider myself all of those things. I don't know if it was because when I was young I read about what Libra's are and decided to make myself have those traits or if I naturally had them. Still, I just took a "which tarot card are you?" and I got the Justice card. The scales. Granted one of the questions was what is your sign? but there were a whole bunch of other questions that I'm sure were there for a reason. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but ever since watching Dollhouse I've started questioning what makes up our persona. It will at least be something to ponder while I serve happy couples at work tonight.

Fun Fact Friday

So everyone on facebook is doing this 25 random things about me thing, and I say everyone including myself. I'm not gonna lie, I love talking about myself. Why else would I have a blog? The problem is, after posting my 25 things, which itself was a hard thing to think of for some reason, I kept thinking of new things about myself I wanted to share. Instead of being completely pathetic and posting yet another 25 things about myself on facebook and having my friends call me out on the narcissistic person I am, I figured I'd post a few each week on my blog which is one big narcissistic thing anyways. And you can't judge me for talking about myself too much on my blog since you're actually reading it, suckas! So stealing a fantastic idea from my friend Pat's blog, I'll make this a weekly segment called Fun Fact Friday.

1. I love wearing socks at all time except for when I'm wearing shoes. This is in large part due to the shoes I wear don't go with socks for the most part, but I also just feel like you only need on thing on your feet at a time.

2. I am a creature of habit. I order the same thing everytime at Subway, Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Quizno's, etc. Each time I try to branch out and try something new I am disappointed and ultimately end up wishing I had stuck to my original. Because of this, I always try to stick to my initial instincts when going somewhere new.

3. I can recite the movie Clueless start to finish. This was not a planned thing, it just comes from watching the movie so many times in my youth.

4. My action movie collection outnumbers my chickflick movie collection 2 to 1. I am very proud of this fact.

5. I feel an instant kinship with anyone who pronounces Target "Tar-jay". I'm not sure why, but I immediately want to be their new best friend.

Seth Meyer is my hero

Enjoy

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The Deal Breakers

So I have this idea of my dream guy in my head and I know some of the traits that he'll have, tall, funny, a sports fan, has a mancrush on Joel McHale...but none of those are exclusive. Like if he meets enough of the requirements but really doesn't get the brilliance of "The Soup", I can still be pretty happy. I do have a list of qualities in a guy that I simply will not tolerate, that if they have any of these traits I'll have to pull the "I'd like us to be friends" line. They are the following:

1. He has a vagina. Let's just get this out of the way now. I can't do it, sorry. Chicks are awesome and all, but I'm straight.

2. He's a Cowboy's Fan. I know this seems silly, a team affiliation is not usually considered in selecting the ideal mate, but it's important to me. I'm a hard core Eagles fan, I'm always going to be rooting for them, and I really hate the idea of watching a game and having him root against my team each time and me root against his each time. I'm ok if he likes another team that I don't care for, I'll support that as long as they're not against my team. This rule probably applies to Redskin and Giants supporters too.

3. He's anti-social. I don't need someone to come out with me everytime I go out, in fact, that would be pretty annoying. But I do need someone that I can take to couples parties and will get along with my friend or at least make polite conversation. It'd also be really nice if he had his own circle of friends so I didn't feel bad each time I wanted to have a girls night out or whatever.

4. He's anti-children. I'm planning on being a teacher, so I'll be working with youngin's a lot. Most of my friends are planning on having kids. I'm mostly planning on having kids. It would really suck if everytime we were out around youngsters he was annoyed, or mean, or rude. I'm not saying he has to be super nanny, but he at least has to be ok if he's left alone with them for 10 minutes.

5. He has kids of his own. I'll admit this sounds weird after the last one. But hear my logic. I really hope to be a mother someday. I'd be ok not being a mother if that's what my husband wanted, but if he was already a father I would feel left out. I know me, and I know I would want my own kid. And I know I would most likely prefer my own child to my husband's and what a horrible thing to do a child that would be. I'm not saying all adopted or step children aren't loved by their step parent, I just don't see myself as being able to do that. I'd also feel like his child should come before me and as much as I hate to admit it, I like coming first with someone I'm in love with. If we were to have a child of our own it would be ok for both of us to put him or her first since it would be a creation of our love. I'm also sure I'd have problems with the child's real mother. It just seems to be the safer choice not to get involved.

6. He's anti-homosexual. I should maybe just say he's intolerant of anything that someone can not control but at this time, antigay is the bigotry de jour. It's not just because I have friends who are gay that I would want him being ok with, it's that seeing a problem with it is not something I can understand. I've tried to see it from someone else's point of view and I can't, I just can't. And the more that I try to understand why someone would have a problem with it the angrier I get at them for being so stupid. Call me close minded if you want, but I know myself and this is not something I can overlook.

7. He's an alcoholic. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I've seen how it's changed my mom who was fine before my dad. I've see how it affects your kids, your kids friends, your grocery bills, your gut, your health. It's not pretty. I'm in serious danger of becoming one myself and if I end up with someone who drinks too much, I will drink too much too. I'm not saying they can't drink at all. But restraint must be shown.

8. He's into drugs. Alcohol now and then is ok, in moderation (see above). Even the occasional pot is fine (not so much where it's a habit, but at a party every once and while). I can't go beyond that. It's probably judgemental on my part, I've never done anything past the other two, but I really don't want to know that world. I don't want to be tempted into it, and at the end of the day, I don't have to :-)

9. He believes in an open relationship. If that works for him, great. Doesn't work for me. I like commitment, I like titles, and I like not having to worry about getting STD's.

10. He is overly jealous/controlling. I have made some mistakes in the past. I strayed, but once I did, I realized the relationship wasn't working and I ended it. I could never be the type to have an affair. I still consider myself a faithful person, so I deserve to be trusted. I also have guy friends that outnumber my girl friends 3 to 1. I need to know that when I go out with them he's not going to be sulking at home, or worse, following me out there. Jealousy is very unsexy.

Deja Vu

It's a strange feeling that I'm experiencing in a way by choice. Same smells, touches, tastes, sounds, sights, emotions, conversations. Has anything changed? I mean it's like it was in, well, not quite July, but certainly late August. Here I thought I was growing up, maturing, making better decisions. Maybe I'm not making bad ones or worse ones, but they're the sames ones. And I'm liking to think I have the upper hand when maybe I don't at all. I'm not calling the shots even though I pretend that I am. And I'm still the one doing the work and getting none of the credit. I'll snap out of it sooner or later...I hope.

The most frustrating illness ever

Sunday night at work I began feeling sick. At first I was sure it was just a sick reaction to the Eagles losing yet another chance at Superbowl. But after almost passing out while a customer pondered which soup they wanted with their salad I realized I was getting sick. After the longest shift of my life I got home and tried my best to sleep. It didn't happen. Instead I had cold sweats all night long and a horrible sore throat. As the day progressed on I felt a little better and by the evening, was sure that after a good night sleep I would be right as rain. I was wrong. For some reason, my illness gets worse at night, or when I'm trying to sleep. It causes me to wake up from whatever sleep I do get in a cold sweat. It made me lose all appetite. I had to keep my mouth open since I couldn't breath through my nose, causing my mouth to get dry, causing me to want to swallow which is the most painful thing I could do at the time. I tried taking a shower which just made cold and uncomfortable. Basically anything that I normally do when I'm sick that makes me feel better only made me feel worse on this time. I had no clue what to do. But, by some miracle I felt better this morning and as the day's gone by I've felt stronger and stronger. I think a little Nyquill tonight and rest tomorrow and I'll be regular Julie again. Woot.

Dating

I don't know what I have against it right now. It sounds great in theory. Meet someone kinda cute and somewhat interesting, share a meal, a movie, maybe a kiss if things are going well. If enjoyed, repeat. Hell, as a girl I might not have to pay for any of that. I should be all onboard. But I'm not. That just sounds exhausting. Maybe it's just that I haven't really met anyone kinda cute and somewhat interesting. Maybe it's that I myself don't feel kinda cute and somewhat interesting and the idea of trying to be both for 3+ hours sounds like a lot more work than it's worth. I think I get why people marry young, it's cause they're sick of dating and would rather stay in on a friday night without judgement. I know I'm coming off as sounding bitter and the sad thing is I really have no reason to be. I haven't been hurt that bad in the past. The last guy I fell in love with hasn't rejected me completely but enough to the point where I fell out of love with him and am maybe a little more picky now. But even so, I've given the relationship thing an honest try, and no one can say that I didn't. I guess it's just not the right time for me right now, which sucks cause I'm 24 and my pickings are getting slimmer and slimmer by the year. That said, and I know this sounds cheesy and cliche, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. I guess I'm a bit hopeful that things will just work out for me eventually. Man, I guess I'm just in a cliche mood today. I should quit while I'm ahead.