Life lessons from a show about serial killers....

While watching the first season of Dexter on Netflix (and dear lord, how did I go a whole year without netflix? I forgot how awesome it is), and his girlfriend is a former victim of an abusive husband. The husband (played by Jacob from Lost which is all I see him as) comes back after spending a few years in prison and is trying to win her back and become a father to his kids. I just can't help but thinking if I were in the situation I'd have a really hard time not giving the guy a second chance. I'm sure I wouldn't enter into a relationship with him again, but I do love believing in the best of people, and that people can change. So it's probably a good thing that I was never in an abusive relationship and I can surround myself with people who are good to me.

Angry rant not directed at anyone who would read this

I'm irrationally mad at someone. I hate knowing that it's irrational cause that means I can bitch about it less, but this is my blog so there you have it. I can't call him up yelling so I'll release my frustrations here. I don't have a strong focus here, but I need to let this out.

My last serious relationship didn't end on the best of terms, but we still maintained a friendship for a good long while. He had a little too much to drink on his birthday, I made sure to get him home safe and get him hydrated. His uncle died, I was at the funeral. His parents split, and I was sure to check in on him and brought him out from time to time. I wasn't this uber fantastic friend though, I kept my distance. I was the one that ended things and I didn't want him thinking we were getting back together, but time and time again I tried to be as much a friend to him as I could, after all, we were together for two and a half years.

This all changed not after I started dating again, but after he did. I was so happy that he was moving on. I was dating someone else too around the same time and so I figured it would be great and happy. He was even dating someone who knew the guy I was dating. How perfect is that? I invited both of them to my birthday party and they didn't show. At mutual friends parties the conversations became shorter and colder. I don't think I've changed. My grandfather passed away, the grandfather who he liked him. I got a facebook message of "wow, I'm sorry." That hurt but I understood it to an extent. He was starting off a new relationship, I don't know if maybe his girlfriend didn't get along with my boyfriend.

Then me and the boyfriend broke up, my ex and his girlfriend were still fine, and now it's my parents going through a divorce. As much as that sucks on it's own, it hurts even more that someone who used to swear that they loved me and they cared about me didn't so much as offer a half hearted "if you need to talk give me a call some time." He didn't even have to mean it. I wasn't fully sure if he knew about it, I suspected he did though. Even the guy I dated for 5 months offered to be a sympathetic ear, and I don't even think he liked me all that much. My closest friends help just by asking, and they really can't relate even. One's parents split when he was 6 and he hasn't seen his dad in 10 years, his advice to me is of course to ditch my dad, I don't need them. Another parents are still married though it's difficult at times. Another's mom passed away 6 years ago. They still all let me talk, and let me know I can talk.

The last time I talked to the ex he told me he had heard about it. I think this hurt more than anything. He mentioned it casually, barely looking up from his potato salad. I wanted nothing more than to scream at him all the hurt I was feeling. How it killed me that I tried so hard to be there for him during his bad times and now that I was going through the same damned thing, only add a double dose of alcoholism to mine, and he hastily changes the conversation to his up coming vacation. I do regret things in my past, I know it's unhealthy but I do, and while I don't regret being there for him as a friend, I regret ever thinking he could be a friend for me.

Guy "Friends"

I have a lot of guy friends. I'm pretty sure they outnumber my girl friends 3 to 1. For the most part, they're completely platonic friendships. We honestly just enjoy each other's company and talk about movies, sports, whatever really. I consider myself not a tomboy, but rather a girl that is very guy minded. These days I prefer beer to mixed drinks, watching hockey to watching Grey's Anatomy, and always insist on splitting the cost of things in relationships. Not to sound completely full of myself, but I think I'm a pretty fun chick to hang out with. And not to sound even more full of myself, I think a lot of my friends would agree. Yet, I notice a shift in almost all of their attitudes with one simple change in my life: they get more distant when I have a boyfriend.

To be absolutely fair, a good number of my guy friends I have some kind of romantic history with. Either it was we dated for a while or there was always this unspoken attraction between us or even me pining for them or them pining for me. Still, the majority of these guys are in relationships with other girls and those that I have dated we broke up for a reason and there was plenty of opportunity for us to get back together if we had wanted to. They don't make a play for me when I'm single at all. We never talk about having a relationship. So why should it change now that I'm seeing someone else?

Also, is it their attitudes that are changing or my own? Maybe I'm subconsciously pushing them away so to make room for my new beau to be the most important guy in my life. Either way, it's a little annoying that I no longer feel as close with people who I used to, or that they seem to want to talk to me less or see me less. Who knows, maybe I'm just reading into this way too much and nothing's changed at all. Well, one can hope, right?

Deja Vu

It's a strange feeling that I'm experiencing in a way by choice. Same smells, touches, tastes, sounds, sights, emotions, conversations. Has anything changed? I mean it's like it was in, well, not quite July, but certainly late August. Here I thought I was growing up, maturing, making better decisions. Maybe I'm not making bad ones or worse ones, but they're the sames ones. And I'm liking to think I have the upper hand when maybe I don't at all. I'm not calling the shots even though I pretend that I am. And I'm still the one doing the work and getting none of the credit. I'll snap out of it sooner or later...I hope.