July update

Well I haven't blogged as much as I was planning on, this time I actually have an excuse though. Our house got broken into and my laptop was taken. Now I'm at the mercy of times Kenny's not on the computer in order to get in all my facebook/pintrest/etsy/blogging/superficial etc. time in. I considered writing a big long blog about how much getting robbed sucks (and it does, seriously, it happening to me for the 3rd time wasn't any easier), but it's just too depressing and I spent the last week getting over that shit. Bottom line is I'm safe, Kenny's safe, and our three kitties are safe. The didn't take anything from Pooh Bear's room and we have home owner's insurance. All the jewelry they took from my jewelry box were not nearly as prized as my necklace from Kenny (which I wear everyday because it is my favorite necklace ever) and my wedding rings (which I wear everyday because they are my favorite rings ever). I am also thankful that I just backed up my wedding pictures on our external, my fingers haven't swollen to the point where I couldn't wear my rings, and they didn't find our gun. Woot! No more tears over something that's happened and can't be changed. Just hope Karma does her thing.

In other news, 5 more weeks til Pooh Bear's here which means 5 more weeks of work til December, woot! Let's see if I crack and head back to work early due to cabin fever. I'm hoping having a baby will make the house seem new and everyday different. I don't know if I could last as a stay at home mom, but it will be fun to give it a test drive. I finished Pooh Bear's blanket which looks pretty darned adorable if I do say so myself (I do), it's gotten me back into the crafting spirit. I've already started knitting yet another scarf that I think will be fun to do for a few weeks until I get distracted by something shiny. If I were smarter than I would start up a cross stitch since that will be a lot harder to do with a youngster about. We'll see what I feel up to later. Maybe that's something I can do the week I'm off work before my baby shows up 10 days late cause that's what I'm betting is going to happen.

On the friend front I'm pretty much failing at life. I don't have the energy to make plans with people anymore so really I just wait til they seek me out. The problem is they seem to seek me out every other Saturday and every other Saturday I work. I've missed a baby shower, bridal shower and a wine limo tour birthday party because of it (that last one hasn't happened yet, but it's planned for my working Saturday). I don't know how much fun I'd really be at these things anyways since I can't drink, I'm constantly tired, and pregnant women tend to be attention getters. I understand those women who are constantly pregnant now since everywhere I go I get the "oh you look so adorable! When are you due? Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?" Even me, the queen of look at me, am beginning to bore of it. But yeah, very impressed that people are still willing to go out in public with me. I actually don't have too many friends I would think of calling up to hang out with regardless. My red robin girls are fantastic and I love them, but nights out with them are always in bars, hookah and otherwise. They feel guilty drinking in front of me, which is silly cause I honestly don't crave alcohol at all. Hookah, yeah, I have to bow out of. But I can still go to a bar and get a cranberry juice. If only they let me. They don't invite me out anymore but I know once the baby gets here they'll be over all the time so I can take comfort in that. My high school friends I've been pulling back from for some time, due to some drama I just don't have the energy to get into right now. My old drama club friends pretty much just get together for weddings etc. The next wedding that's coming up is right after Pooh Bear's here so I'm having to miss it, which sucks cause I know it will be an epically fun and beautiful wedding. Welcome to parenthood I guess. The bright side is I do have a friend with kids, and I actually get to see her tomorrow. My sister in law is pregnant so she'll be in the same boat as me and we're family so she has to spend time with me. And my other close friend that doesn't live in LA or Fresno (who both call me from time to time and hang out with me whenever they're in town) I work with and she's actually been really awesome at planning nights out with our husbands. I think I'll be ok, just not as busy as Julie 3 or 4 years ago.

What it comes down to though is that I am happy in life, my life, however quaint it may be. Things are quiet right now but it is going to get pretty exciting pretty fast here. I'll try to keep up with the blogging for my two readers, but be understanding if I flake out.

The dance days are over...

Saturday being St. Patrick's Day I made corned beef and cabbage for myself, my husband and a couple of friends whom I thought were joining us for dinner. Let me start off by letting you in on an Irish secret. Corned beef and cabbage is like the easiest thing in the world to make and looks extremely impressive and then you get to tell people you've been cooking it all day. The secret of this: The Crock Pot. In the morning I threw in some carrots, tiny potatoes, chopped up onion and then placed in the beef and filled the pot almost completely with water and some seasoning. Put the lid on top, set the heat for low and then waited for dinner. So friggin' easy, so amazingly delicious.

As I had mentioned earlier I had thought we were having some friends over for dinner. I get a text message from them at 10 asking what we're up to tonight and I tell her "Making corned beef and cabbage, and we were hoping you guys were joining us." We had discussed doing just this the week before but hadn't ironed out details yet, didn't seem like we needed to. She told me that she had been invited out by other people who she told she was free to. I told her that if she wants to go that's fine, but we wouldn't be invited so to let me know if she was planning on showing up to our house for dinner. This was probably a mistake of me because I wasn't fine if she didn't show up. I was actually pretty hurt. This was made all the more difficult that they were hanging out with my ex and his wife. Not that I have a problem with them anymore. Quite the opposite. The last time I saw them she was extremely nice and personable to me and I am nothing if not forgiving of people. But I do know that even though we may be on good making small talk, trading house buying and pregnancy advice, and not insulting each other anymore terms, we're not people that they'd invite out for a night on the town. My friend decided to go on the one outing there was no way we could join. After we had talked months about how much fun we had together on St. Patrick's Day and how we had to do something together this year and because I what, didn't set a time for her coming over she was bailing on me?

She asked if she was mad and of course I said no, because I'm a doormat and let people walk over me all the time. She then spent the rest of the day sending me text justifying her actions: we had just seen each other last week, she hadn't seen them in some time, she just wanted to live up some of the glory of past St. Patrick's days, etc. I knew she couldn't do that with a pregnant friend in tow. Kenny's not a drinker, I am. I can't move on the dance floor like I once could, and more importantly: I don't want to. I was excited for my crock pot dinner and potential game night. I liked thinking I wouldn't have to pay money to spend time with people at a bar where we couldn't hear each other and was full of drunk college kids and high school kids with fake id's. I was looking forward to being a grown up.

Then I started to cry. I realized something about me, about my life now. I am a grown up. The St. Patrick's Days of getting ex boyfriends to drink water after overdoing the liquor and tequila shots were over. The driving drunk friends home only to have them get lost on the way because they're too drunk to tell you where they live. The receiving of hilarious text pictures of aformetioned exboyfriends who fell into ditch puking on the way home that night. I think that's what I'll miss most of all. That was my life 5 years ago. My life now is picking out colors for the nursery. Inviting over the inlaws so all that food doesn't go to waste and then having an amazingly fun evening anyway. Having everyone rave over my ever so easy to make dinner recipe. Playing a game with my sister and brother in law at 9 pm and wondering if it's too late to start another. Cleaning up the dishes in my new remodeled kitchen and putting them in my favorite Christmas present from my parents: a new dishwasher. Having a husband who holds me in his arms as I cry out my death of youthful times and reminds me of happy times we have coming up. Yes, the dance parties of St. Patricks Day are over, but next year I'll have a new mostly Irish lad or lassie to celebrate with and we'll have all new traditions. I can't wait.

Angry rant not directed at anyone who would read this

I'm irrationally mad at someone. I hate knowing that it's irrational cause that means I can bitch about it less, but this is my blog so there you have it. I can't call him up yelling so I'll release my frustrations here. I don't have a strong focus here, but I need to let this out.

My last serious relationship didn't end on the best of terms, but we still maintained a friendship for a good long while. He had a little too much to drink on his birthday, I made sure to get him home safe and get him hydrated. His uncle died, I was at the funeral. His parents split, and I was sure to check in on him and brought him out from time to time. I wasn't this uber fantastic friend though, I kept my distance. I was the one that ended things and I didn't want him thinking we were getting back together, but time and time again I tried to be as much a friend to him as I could, after all, we were together for two and a half years.

This all changed not after I started dating again, but after he did. I was so happy that he was moving on. I was dating someone else too around the same time and so I figured it would be great and happy. He was even dating someone who knew the guy I was dating. How perfect is that? I invited both of them to my birthday party and they didn't show. At mutual friends parties the conversations became shorter and colder. I don't think I've changed. My grandfather passed away, the grandfather who he liked him. I got a facebook message of "wow, I'm sorry." That hurt but I understood it to an extent. He was starting off a new relationship, I don't know if maybe his girlfriend didn't get along with my boyfriend.

Then me and the boyfriend broke up, my ex and his girlfriend were still fine, and now it's my parents going through a divorce. As much as that sucks on it's own, it hurts even more that someone who used to swear that they loved me and they cared about me didn't so much as offer a half hearted "if you need to talk give me a call some time." He didn't even have to mean it. I wasn't fully sure if he knew about it, I suspected he did though. Even the guy I dated for 5 months offered to be a sympathetic ear, and I don't even think he liked me all that much. My closest friends help just by asking, and they really can't relate even. One's parents split when he was 6 and he hasn't seen his dad in 10 years, his advice to me is of course to ditch my dad, I don't need them. Another parents are still married though it's difficult at times. Another's mom passed away 6 years ago. They still all let me talk, and let me know I can talk.

The last time I talked to the ex he told me he had heard about it. I think this hurt more than anything. He mentioned it casually, barely looking up from his potato salad. I wanted nothing more than to scream at him all the hurt I was feeling. How it killed me that I tried so hard to be there for him during his bad times and now that I was going through the same damned thing, only add a double dose of alcoholism to mine, and he hastily changes the conversation to his up coming vacation. I do regret things in my past, I know it's unhealthy but I do, and while I don't regret being there for him as a friend, I regret ever thinking he could be a friend for me.

Real Friends

I'm not entirely sure if I've ever written on this before. I write a lot of blogs that are never actually inputted to my laptop, but this is certainly a topic I've thought of many a time and one at this point in my life is near and dear to my heart.
First off, let me fill all readers in on something that you may or may not know. My mom has asked my dad for a divorce. My parents have been married for 26 years so this is a little bit of a hard pill to swallow. I never once doubted their love for each other. I thought I was one of those lucky folks who would get to plan their parents 50th someday. And even now, the pain and upsetness I feel I can't isolate from the disappointment that I was wrong about things. I'm 24 now, this won't affect me that much. But let me be frank, this sucks. My dad is absolutely desperate to be with my mom and my mom is absolutely desperate to be rid of him. My dad is an alcoholic, this isn't new, but my mom has had enough. He's 4 days sober but that's too little too late. And a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm not fully ready to get into, that's not the point of this blog.
The point is, friends that I thought I was really close to haven't called me up at all, even knowing what I'm going through. I know it's awkward to say "hey, how's your parents divorce going?" but simply asking "how are you doing with everything?" does wonders. I was caught off guard a few weeks back when I was updating a friend on things in my life and he asked how I was doing with my parent situation. It was so refreshing to hear. I got an email from an old friend that I really haven't been close with in over 4 years that I saw last week and updated my life on my parents and he said he was here for me. It's amazing that after so much time and distance has gone by, he's put in any effort to make sure I'm ok at all, and it's so immensely comforting. On the flip of that, my former best friend of the last year and a half only just found out the stuff with my parents and not because she asked how that was going but because I had to explain to her why things were so crappy for me lately. She claims she's missed me, but she's made no effort to do anything with me. I'm just so lost on what's worth trying for and what's not. Who can I talk to? Who can I trust? Who even cares? Eh, enough whining for one night, I'm off to eat ricearoni.

Guy "Friends"

I have a lot of guy friends. I'm pretty sure they outnumber my girl friends 3 to 1. For the most part, they're completely platonic friendships. We honestly just enjoy each other's company and talk about movies, sports, whatever really. I consider myself not a tomboy, but rather a girl that is very guy minded. These days I prefer beer to mixed drinks, watching hockey to watching Grey's Anatomy, and always insist on splitting the cost of things in relationships. Not to sound completely full of myself, but I think I'm a pretty fun chick to hang out with. And not to sound even more full of myself, I think a lot of my friends would agree. Yet, I notice a shift in almost all of their attitudes with one simple change in my life: they get more distant when I have a boyfriend.

To be absolutely fair, a good number of my guy friends I have some kind of romantic history with. Either it was we dated for a while or there was always this unspoken attraction between us or even me pining for them or them pining for me. Still, the majority of these guys are in relationships with other girls and those that I have dated we broke up for a reason and there was plenty of opportunity for us to get back together if we had wanted to. They don't make a play for me when I'm single at all. We never talk about having a relationship. So why should it change now that I'm seeing someone else?

Also, is it their attitudes that are changing or my own? Maybe I'm subconsciously pushing them away so to make room for my new beau to be the most important guy in my life. Either way, it's a little annoying that I no longer feel as close with people who I used to, or that they seem to want to talk to me less or see me less. Who knows, maybe I'm just reading into this way too much and nothing's changed at all. Well, one can hope, right?