Bitchin' about my mom

I'm sitting in the living room watching the eagles/49ers game, knowing full well I'll have no football friends out here this week and it seems like it's the right time to write in my blog. I'm not sure what I need to write about, but the writing bug has bitten and you don't ignore bug bites.

I got back from one of the most unique trips to the east coast I've ever had. It was half good half bad. The good was I got to bring Kenny, introduce him to everyone and everyone to him. They all loved him of course, who could blame them, he's awesome and wonderful and I'm thankful everyday to have him in my life loving me and giving me strength and stability (but that's not where I want this blog to go, Kenny knows I love him, no one else wants to hear me ranting about it). We also got lots of free food between being taken out to dinner by family members and weddings and whatnot, my jeans are certainly tighter now than a few weeks ago. Both weddings we attended were awesomely wonderful and beautiful and the love was almost tangible between the bride and groom. The bad: my parents, no, not parents actually, my mother.

Let me remind all you gentle readers that I love my mom. She's my mommy. She went through 9 months and 9 days with me in her and 38 hours of me taking my sweet time coming out. She cares for me, wants me to be happy and yeah, I love her. She's driving me crazy lately. To start off, she's divorcing my dad. What's worse is she's divorcing my dad for changing reasons. At first it was his drinking, which was far out of hand. However, with the exception of half a glass of champaign at my engagement dinner, he hasn't drank anything in almost 5 months. If you knew my dad, you'd know what an accomplishment this is for him. Then my mom decides it's cause he's not bringing in money for the home. He makes a sale and brings in some money. Now, now I don't know what it is. She goes back east and on the car ride home from the airport she tells me this trip has just made her realize that she needs to divorce my dad once and for all, and she "knows it's not what I want to hear." No freakin' duh, mom. I wanted them to work things out. I hoped so many times (rarely outloud since it'd be too embarassing when it doesn't happen) that they would find a way to be back in love. I can't understand what has happened to make her think this is the only way. Frankly it doesn't matter. She's clearly upset that I don't want to talk about it. "I just thought that you were old and mature enough to talk about this." she says. I respond that you never are old enough to hear about your mom falling out of love with your father.

She also said I've made my allegence clear that I'm with my father by staying with his mother for the majority of the trip. This was not because I hate my mom and her family, but simply because she offered and had room for Kenny and I whereas her side did not. Not to mention she lived in close proximity to all the wedding events I had to attend. Also I stayed with her mother for two uncomfortable nights anyways, sleeping on the floor in her living room.

After dropping her off on Monday I don't talk to her again until Friday night when I see if she wants to meet for lunch the next day (Kenny's idea, not mine, I'm fine not talking to her until Christmas). She says sure, but throws in a guilt dripping "It's nice to hear from you" at the end of the convo. I want to yell the phone works both ways but restrain myself.

Oh, well. The bright side of Christmas is that I get to spend most of it with Kenny's family who has completely welcomed me in. We went over to wrap presents last night and with the rest of the family's stockings was one with my name on it complete with a Donald Duck pin and a Phillies logo on it. I'm going to love being a Mendez.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Childhood sentimental crap. I'm trying to clean out my closet right now and I can't bare to part with things from my childhood. I have my American Girl dolls which I don't think I've touched even in the last 7 years, but there they are sitting in my closet and I just can't get rid of them. I don't know if I'm planning on saving them for when I have kids of my own, cause honestly, I never wanted to play with the dolls my mom had when she was a kid. They were old and smelled funny and not nearly as sexy looking as Pink Starlight Barbie. I don't want to give them to goodwill because the girls who will buy them there won't know to use a wig brush on their hair, and oh my god you need to use a wig brush! As I'm typing this right now I'm watching a vhs tape with a special on the spice girls that I recorded ages ago and I can't even part with that. I will likely never watch this tape again, but it's just too damned hard to get rid of. I'm 24, when do I want to get rid of it?

*Sigh*

I'm wondering how many times I can turn down a guy and still have him asking me to come over. My last boyfriend, if you can call him that, broke up with me in December. I saw it coming and was in fact trying to decide if I wanted to work on it or just admit defeat myself, but he made the decision for me. He said there was a wall there, I didn't seem happy anyways, and a whole bunch of other vague stuff that basically boiled down to him not wanting to be with me.

Since breaking up I've realized how much time and energy I wasted on being sad about him. I think the main thing I was upset about is he met so many of the things I wanted in a boyfriend. He loved sports, the same kind of movies I did, he was republican (my god is it hard to find another republican out here), and of course a fantastic kisser. I mourned losing my boyfriend the shark's fan, my boyfriend "the soup" watcher, my boyfriend that would dance with me at bars. I didn't mourn really losing him though. I healed quickly. Actually by new years I had already found someone I was interested in.

About a month or two after we broke up, he started talking to me again. I hate burning bridges so I talk back and before you know it we're flirty friends. As my feelings for this new guy intensify, my feelings for my ex start to fad. It appears the more my feelings for my ex disappear, the more his feelings for me grow stronger. He's indicating that he wants to work things out and try again, of course not in those words (I'm pretty sure that he feels if he never says it he can never be held accountable for anything). So now here I am feeling bad for him when I really shouldn't cause I don't owe him anything and I was willing to work on this back in December and now I'm ready to move on to someone who really wants to be with me. I just wish I knew the best way to help him move on so I can be free to go be giddy.

Deja Vu

It's a strange feeling that I'm experiencing in a way by choice. Same smells, touches, tastes, sounds, sights, emotions, conversations. Has anything changed? I mean it's like it was in, well, not quite July, but certainly late August. Here I thought I was growing up, maturing, making better decisions. Maybe I'm not making bad ones or worse ones, but they're the sames ones. And I'm liking to think I have the upper hand when maybe I don't at all. I'm not calling the shots even though I pretend that I am. And I'm still the one doing the work and getting none of the credit. I'll snap out of it sooner or later...I hope.

The most frustrating illness ever

Sunday night at work I began feeling sick. At first I was sure it was just a sick reaction to the Eagles losing yet another chance at Superbowl. But after almost passing out while a customer pondered which soup they wanted with their salad I realized I was getting sick. After the longest shift of my life I got home and tried my best to sleep. It didn't happen. Instead I had cold sweats all night long and a horrible sore throat. As the day progressed on I felt a little better and by the evening, was sure that after a good night sleep I would be right as rain. I was wrong. For some reason, my illness gets worse at night, or when I'm trying to sleep. It causes me to wake up from whatever sleep I do get in a cold sweat. It made me lose all appetite. I had to keep my mouth open since I couldn't breath through my nose, causing my mouth to get dry, causing me to want to swallow which is the most painful thing I could do at the time. I tried taking a shower which just made cold and uncomfortable. Basically anything that I normally do when I'm sick that makes me feel better only made me feel worse on this time. I had no clue what to do. But, by some miracle I felt better this morning and as the day's gone by I've felt stronger and stronger. I think a little Nyquill tonight and rest tomorrow and I'll be regular Julie again. Woot.