What could have been...

I have a habit of rewatching old tv shows I've already seen a million times from start to finish. I do this most often with simpsons as they're the perfect show to put on before I go to sleep since I've seen them so many times I don't have to watch the screen, I see it all in my head anyways and I get to drift off to dreamland all the easier. While I'm awake and doing something I need to pay a little more attention to, such as crocheting, I like having something on in the background that I can passively be amused by. After going through Veronica Mars, Community, Firefly (which took no time), I stumbled upon Scrubs again. About 5, maybe 6 years ago I loved Scrubs. Couldn't get enough of it. Since then everytime I watch an episode here or there I've had this weird feeling that I couldn't shake. Like I shouldn't be watching it. I finally realized what it was.

When I first discovered Scrubs it was also a favorite show of a coworker of mine. He cracked me up, we got along really well and it became a bonding thing for us. When he'd have parties at his house we'd play the Scrubs drinking game. Both of us were single and I was told by another coworker that he had a crush on me. I wasn't exactly sure my feelings, but I couldn't say I wouldn't have given it a try. Nothing ever happened between us though. Maybe it's because he wasn't actually interested in me, but I am sure if he made a move, something would have happened.

Watching Scrubs takes me back to that feeling of uncertainty. That feeling like, all the right parts are there, why aren't we dating? There are a few other guys here or there that I sometimes wonder "what if" with.  What if I had asked him out, or gone in for a kiss? Would we now be together? Would it have ruined our friendship completely? Would it have saved me the embarrassment of those other douches I dated? Or maybe they'd just look at me like I was crazy for reading into something that wasn't there. Obviously, I love my husband and I am so glad that things worked out the way they did, but I do wonder if he still thinks of me when he watches Scrubs. I guess I just hope that I affected someone the way they affected me.

*Sigh*

I'm wondering how many times I can turn down a guy and still have him asking me to come over. My last boyfriend, if you can call him that, broke up with me in December. I saw it coming and was in fact trying to decide if I wanted to work on it or just admit defeat myself, but he made the decision for me. He said there was a wall there, I didn't seem happy anyways, and a whole bunch of other vague stuff that basically boiled down to him not wanting to be with me.

Since breaking up I've realized how much time and energy I wasted on being sad about him. I think the main thing I was upset about is he met so many of the things I wanted in a boyfriend. He loved sports, the same kind of movies I did, he was republican (my god is it hard to find another republican out here), and of course a fantastic kisser. I mourned losing my boyfriend the shark's fan, my boyfriend "the soup" watcher, my boyfriend that would dance with me at bars. I didn't mourn really losing him though. I healed quickly. Actually by new years I had already found someone I was interested in.

About a month or two after we broke up, he started talking to me again. I hate burning bridges so I talk back and before you know it we're flirty friends. As my feelings for this new guy intensify, my feelings for my ex start to fad. It appears the more my feelings for my ex disappear, the more his feelings for me grow stronger. He's indicating that he wants to work things out and try again, of course not in those words (I'm pretty sure that he feels if he never says it he can never be held accountable for anything). So now here I am feeling bad for him when I really shouldn't cause I don't owe him anything and I was willing to work on this back in December and now I'm ready to move on to someone who really wants to be with me. I just wish I knew the best way to help him move on so I can be free to go be giddy.