*Sigh*

I'm wondering how many times I can turn down a guy and still have him asking me to come over. My last boyfriend, if you can call him that, broke up with me in December. I saw it coming and was in fact trying to decide if I wanted to work on it or just admit defeat myself, but he made the decision for me. He said there was a wall there, I didn't seem happy anyways, and a whole bunch of other vague stuff that basically boiled down to him not wanting to be with me.

Since breaking up I've realized how much time and energy I wasted on being sad about him. I think the main thing I was upset about is he met so many of the things I wanted in a boyfriend. He loved sports, the same kind of movies I did, he was republican (my god is it hard to find another republican out here), and of course a fantastic kisser. I mourned losing my boyfriend the shark's fan, my boyfriend "the soup" watcher, my boyfriend that would dance with me at bars. I didn't mourn really losing him though. I healed quickly. Actually by new years I had already found someone I was interested in.

About a month or two after we broke up, he started talking to me again. I hate burning bridges so I talk back and before you know it we're flirty friends. As my feelings for this new guy intensify, my feelings for my ex start to fad. It appears the more my feelings for my ex disappear, the more his feelings for me grow stronger. He's indicating that he wants to work things out and try again, of course not in those words (I'm pretty sure that he feels if he never says it he can never be held accountable for anything). So now here I am feeling bad for him when I really shouldn't cause I don't owe him anything and I was willing to work on this back in December and now I'm ready to move on to someone who really wants to be with me. I just wish I knew the best way to help him move on so I can be free to go be giddy.

Karma

Yes, yes, I missed Fun Fact Friday, but that's cause I've had an action packed weekend, so I hope all 1 or 2 of you who read this will forgive me. Today I'm going to be discussing Karma. Bet you didn't see that one coming with the title and all. I'm a believer of Karma, it must be the Libra in me. I think the universe balances itself out, that good things can happen to good people, and that bad things can happen to bad people. I also believe that too much bad luck will lead to a pleasant change of events. Sadly, this means too much good luck will lead to some bad times. This was certainly true this weekend. I had a fantastic Thursday night only to be followed by a horrible Friday morning.

I'm wondering if maybe this isn't all in my head though. Good and bad things happen all the time, they don't have to be related. Maybe it's my way of cheering myself up when things get tough. Don't worry, something good's bound to happen soon. Or my way of not being able to enjoy happy times since I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There may be no shoes at all. Either way, I'm intrigued by it and like to think my good deeds will be rewarded. So maybe I should just stick to being a good person just in case and when good things happen, enjoy them because it's earned.

Fun Fact Friday

1. Despite my crippling fear of clowns, my favorite episode of "The Simpsons" is the episode where Homer goes to clown college. My favorite episode of South Park also has some clowns in it.


2. My dreams all feel very real to me, so much in fact that the next day I have to continuously remind myself that they were just dreams. This becomes especially problematic when I have romantic dreams about a friend.

3. I love undercooked food so much that sometimes I make brownie mix or cookie dough with no intension of putting either in the oven.

4. I like doing jigsaw puzzles completely alone so when it's completed I get full credit for it. It's both selfish and a wee bit sad, but I don't seem to care or realize this until after it's completed.

5. I have started at least 8 knitting or crocheting projects that I have not yet completed. That said, I am still in complete denial that I will one day finish them.

Random Musing before work

I sometimes wonder how much I am affected by what I am told I am verses what I actually am. For example, I am a Libra. By definition I am social, outgoing, dramatic, and fair and balanced. I consider myself all of those things. I don't know if it was because when I was young I read about what Libra's are and decided to make myself have those traits or if I naturally had them. Still, I just took a "which tarot card are you?" and I got the Justice card. The scales. Granted one of the questions was what is your sign? but there were a whole bunch of other questions that I'm sure were there for a reason. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but ever since watching Dollhouse I've started questioning what makes up our persona. It will at least be something to ponder while I serve happy couples at work tonight.

Fun Fact Friday

So everyone on facebook is doing this 25 random things about me thing, and I say everyone including myself. I'm not gonna lie, I love talking about myself. Why else would I have a blog? The problem is, after posting my 25 things, which itself was a hard thing to think of for some reason, I kept thinking of new things about myself I wanted to share. Instead of being completely pathetic and posting yet another 25 things about myself on facebook and having my friends call me out on the narcissistic person I am, I figured I'd post a few each week on my blog which is one big narcissistic thing anyways. And you can't judge me for talking about myself too much on my blog since you're actually reading it, suckas! So stealing a fantastic idea from my friend Pat's blog, I'll make this a weekly segment called Fun Fact Friday.

1. I love wearing socks at all time except for when I'm wearing shoes. This is in large part due to the shoes I wear don't go with socks for the most part, but I also just feel like you only need on thing on your feet at a time.

2. I am a creature of habit. I order the same thing everytime at Subway, Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Quizno's, etc. Each time I try to branch out and try something new I am disappointed and ultimately end up wishing I had stuck to my original. Because of this, I always try to stick to my initial instincts when going somewhere new.

3. I can recite the movie Clueless start to finish. This was not a planned thing, it just comes from watching the movie so many times in my youth.

4. My action movie collection outnumbers my chickflick movie collection 2 to 1. I am very proud of this fact.

5. I feel an instant kinship with anyone who pronounces Target "Tar-jay". I'm not sure why, but I immediately want to be their new best friend.

Seth Meyer is my hero

Enjoy

Video Recaps Full Episodes Webisodes

The Deal Breakers

So I have this idea of my dream guy in my head and I know some of the traits that he'll have, tall, funny, a sports fan, has a mancrush on Joel McHale...but none of those are exclusive. Like if he meets enough of the requirements but really doesn't get the brilliance of "The Soup", I can still be pretty happy. I do have a list of qualities in a guy that I simply will not tolerate, that if they have any of these traits I'll have to pull the "I'd like us to be friends" line. They are the following:

1. He has a vagina. Let's just get this out of the way now. I can't do it, sorry. Chicks are awesome and all, but I'm straight.

2. He's a Cowboy's Fan. I know this seems silly, a team affiliation is not usually considered in selecting the ideal mate, but it's important to me. I'm a hard core Eagles fan, I'm always going to be rooting for them, and I really hate the idea of watching a game and having him root against my team each time and me root against his each time. I'm ok if he likes another team that I don't care for, I'll support that as long as they're not against my team. This rule probably applies to Redskin and Giants supporters too.

3. He's anti-social. I don't need someone to come out with me everytime I go out, in fact, that would be pretty annoying. But I do need someone that I can take to couples parties and will get along with my friend or at least make polite conversation. It'd also be really nice if he had his own circle of friends so I didn't feel bad each time I wanted to have a girls night out or whatever.

4. He's anti-children. I'm planning on being a teacher, so I'll be working with youngin's a lot. Most of my friends are planning on having kids. I'm mostly planning on having kids. It would really suck if everytime we were out around youngsters he was annoyed, or mean, or rude. I'm not saying he has to be super nanny, but he at least has to be ok if he's left alone with them for 10 minutes.

5. He has kids of his own. I'll admit this sounds weird after the last one. But hear my logic. I really hope to be a mother someday. I'd be ok not being a mother if that's what my husband wanted, but if he was already a father I would feel left out. I know me, and I know I would want my own kid. And I know I would most likely prefer my own child to my husband's and what a horrible thing to do a child that would be. I'm not saying all adopted or step children aren't loved by their step parent, I just don't see myself as being able to do that. I'd also feel like his child should come before me and as much as I hate to admit it, I like coming first with someone I'm in love with. If we were to have a child of our own it would be ok for both of us to put him or her first since it would be a creation of our love. I'm also sure I'd have problems with the child's real mother. It just seems to be the safer choice not to get involved.

6. He's anti-homosexual. I should maybe just say he's intolerant of anything that someone can not control but at this time, antigay is the bigotry de jour. It's not just because I have friends who are gay that I would want him being ok with, it's that seeing a problem with it is not something I can understand. I've tried to see it from someone else's point of view and I can't, I just can't. And the more that I try to understand why someone would have a problem with it the angrier I get at them for being so stupid. Call me close minded if you want, but I know myself and this is not something I can overlook.

7. He's an alcoholic. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I've seen how it's changed my mom who was fine before my dad. I've see how it affects your kids, your kids friends, your grocery bills, your gut, your health. It's not pretty. I'm in serious danger of becoming one myself and if I end up with someone who drinks too much, I will drink too much too. I'm not saying they can't drink at all. But restraint must be shown.

8. He's into drugs. Alcohol now and then is ok, in moderation (see above). Even the occasional pot is fine (not so much where it's a habit, but at a party every once and while). I can't go beyond that. It's probably judgemental on my part, I've never done anything past the other two, but I really don't want to know that world. I don't want to be tempted into it, and at the end of the day, I don't have to :-)

9. He believes in an open relationship. If that works for him, great. Doesn't work for me. I like commitment, I like titles, and I like not having to worry about getting STD's.

10. He is overly jealous/controlling. I have made some mistakes in the past. I strayed, but once I did, I realized the relationship wasn't working and I ended it. I could never be the type to have an affair. I still consider myself a faithful person, so I deserve to be trusted. I also have guy friends that outnumber my girl friends 3 to 1. I need to know that when I go out with them he's not going to be sulking at home, or worse, following me out there. Jealousy is very unsexy.

Deja Vu

It's a strange feeling that I'm experiencing in a way by choice. Same smells, touches, tastes, sounds, sights, emotions, conversations. Has anything changed? I mean it's like it was in, well, not quite July, but certainly late August. Here I thought I was growing up, maturing, making better decisions. Maybe I'm not making bad ones or worse ones, but they're the sames ones. And I'm liking to think I have the upper hand when maybe I don't at all. I'm not calling the shots even though I pretend that I am. And I'm still the one doing the work and getting none of the credit. I'll snap out of it sooner or later...I hope.

The most frustrating illness ever

Sunday night at work I began feeling sick. At first I was sure it was just a sick reaction to the Eagles losing yet another chance at Superbowl. But after almost passing out while a customer pondered which soup they wanted with their salad I realized I was getting sick. After the longest shift of my life I got home and tried my best to sleep. It didn't happen. Instead I had cold sweats all night long and a horrible sore throat. As the day progressed on I felt a little better and by the evening, was sure that after a good night sleep I would be right as rain. I was wrong. For some reason, my illness gets worse at night, or when I'm trying to sleep. It causes me to wake up from whatever sleep I do get in a cold sweat. It made me lose all appetite. I had to keep my mouth open since I couldn't breath through my nose, causing my mouth to get dry, causing me to want to swallow which is the most painful thing I could do at the time. I tried taking a shower which just made cold and uncomfortable. Basically anything that I normally do when I'm sick that makes me feel better only made me feel worse on this time. I had no clue what to do. But, by some miracle I felt better this morning and as the day's gone by I've felt stronger and stronger. I think a little Nyquill tonight and rest tomorrow and I'll be regular Julie again. Woot.

Dating

I don't know what I have against it right now. It sounds great in theory. Meet someone kinda cute and somewhat interesting, share a meal, a movie, maybe a kiss if things are going well. If enjoyed, repeat. Hell, as a girl I might not have to pay for any of that. I should be all onboard. But I'm not. That just sounds exhausting. Maybe it's just that I haven't really met anyone kinda cute and somewhat interesting. Maybe it's that I myself don't feel kinda cute and somewhat interesting and the idea of trying to be both for 3+ hours sounds like a lot more work than it's worth. I think I get why people marry young, it's cause they're sick of dating and would rather stay in on a friday night without judgement. I know I'm coming off as sounding bitter and the sad thing is I really have no reason to be. I haven't been hurt that bad in the past. The last guy I fell in love with hasn't rejected me completely but enough to the point where I fell out of love with him and am maybe a little more picky now. But even so, I've given the relationship thing an honest try, and no one can say that I didn't. I guess it's just not the right time for me right now, which sucks cause I'm 24 and my pickings are getting slimmer and slimmer by the year. That said, and I know this sounds cheesy and cliche, but I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. I guess I'm a bit hopeful that things will just work out for me eventually. Man, I guess I'm just in a cliche mood today. I should quit while I'm ahead.