Bitchin' about my mom

I'm sitting in the living room watching the eagles/49ers game, knowing full well I'll have no football friends out here this week and it seems like it's the right time to write in my blog. I'm not sure what I need to write about, but the writing bug has bitten and you don't ignore bug bites.

I got back from one of the most unique trips to the east coast I've ever had. It was half good half bad. The good was I got to bring Kenny, introduce him to everyone and everyone to him. They all loved him of course, who could blame them, he's awesome and wonderful and I'm thankful everyday to have him in my life loving me and giving me strength and stability (but that's not where I want this blog to go, Kenny knows I love him, no one else wants to hear me ranting about it). We also got lots of free food between being taken out to dinner by family members and weddings and whatnot, my jeans are certainly tighter now than a few weeks ago. Both weddings we attended were awesomely wonderful and beautiful and the love was almost tangible between the bride and groom. The bad: my parents, no, not parents actually, my mother.

Let me remind all you gentle readers that I love my mom. She's my mommy. She went through 9 months and 9 days with me in her and 38 hours of me taking my sweet time coming out. She cares for me, wants me to be happy and yeah, I love her. She's driving me crazy lately. To start off, she's divorcing my dad. What's worse is she's divorcing my dad for changing reasons. At first it was his drinking, which was far out of hand. However, with the exception of half a glass of champaign at my engagement dinner, he hasn't drank anything in almost 5 months. If you knew my dad, you'd know what an accomplishment this is for him. Then my mom decides it's cause he's not bringing in money for the home. He makes a sale and brings in some money. Now, now I don't know what it is. She goes back east and on the car ride home from the airport she tells me this trip has just made her realize that she needs to divorce my dad once and for all, and she "knows it's not what I want to hear." No freakin' duh, mom. I wanted them to work things out. I hoped so many times (rarely outloud since it'd be too embarassing when it doesn't happen) that they would find a way to be back in love. I can't understand what has happened to make her think this is the only way. Frankly it doesn't matter. She's clearly upset that I don't want to talk about it. "I just thought that you were old and mature enough to talk about this." she says. I respond that you never are old enough to hear about your mom falling out of love with your father.

She also said I've made my allegence clear that I'm with my father by staying with his mother for the majority of the trip. This was not because I hate my mom and her family, but simply because she offered and had room for Kenny and I whereas her side did not. Not to mention she lived in close proximity to all the wedding events I had to attend. Also I stayed with her mother for two uncomfortable nights anyways, sleeping on the floor in her living room.

After dropping her off on Monday I don't talk to her again until Friday night when I see if she wants to meet for lunch the next day (Kenny's idea, not mine, I'm fine not talking to her until Christmas). She says sure, but throws in a guilt dripping "It's nice to hear from you" at the end of the convo. I want to yell the phone works both ways but restrain myself.

Oh, well. The bright side of Christmas is that I get to spend most of it with Kenny's family who has completely welcomed me in. We went over to wrap presents last night and with the rest of the family's stockings was one with my name on it complete with a Donald Duck pin and a Phillies logo on it. I'm going to love being a Mendez.

Dreamcatchers

I bought a dreamcatcher back in middle school on a trip to the Grand Canyon, just because I thought they looked really cool. I like things that have a superstition or a story behind them even though I rarely believe in them. I liked having a conversation piece in my room that also happened to go along with the pretty pink decor I was trying to establish. Funny thing, about a year or two after hanging it up I realized my nightmares stopped. I never had that many bad dreams to start off with, but I was wracking my brain trying to think of one I had had recently. I chalked this up to both good luck with maybe just a tad of placebo effect. Either way, I was happy.

I moved in with Kenny about 4 months ago leaving pretty much all my room decor back there. Since then I've had at least 2 nightmares a month. There's no theme with this dreams at all, just random bad things happening or people coming to attack me and me trying to get away. Last night I dreamed of a little boy from my summer camp trying to stab the evil out of me. The nightmares do all end the same way, however, me flailing my arms about until Kenny wakes me up and me being confused as to where I'm waking up.

Could me not sleeping by my dream catcher really be affecting this? Or maybe it's just my subconscious dealing with new problems in my life such as my parents divorce in weird abstract form. At the end of the day though, it's really fantastic that I have someone right there to calm my nerves and stroke my hair til I fall back asleep. And if things get really bad, I may just hang up another dream catcher, just in case...

10 reasons to smile today

I feel like I've been complaining a lot lately (and I expect to put a complainy post on here before the week is up) so I'm going to counteract negative energy with a list of 10 things I'm happy for today.

1. Kenny got me a new computer cord since my old one was falling apart and now it stays plugged in at all times.

2. Kenny made me my favorite gnocchi last night when he knew I was having a rough day.

3. I don't have work any day but Sunday this week which is helpful since it's that one week where working is not ideal (and on a related note, totally not pregnant, yay!).

4. Not one, but two ex's have asked me out of the blue if I was engaged this week which means that not one, but two of them see this not only as a real possibility but also something that they're curious enough to know to contact me after weeks or months of no contact at all. Ego has been stroked.

5. I have my dress and shoes all ready for my friends wedding on Saturday where the weather is supposed to be sunny and warm :-)

6. I'm turning 25 in less than two weeks and I'm actually feeling surprised that I'm not 25 already rather than freaking out over getting old like I have been the past 3 years.

7. Hold the nuts drumsticks are like the best thing ever and I still have some in the freezer.

8. Managed not to make a drunken fool out of myself at the bachlorette party last weekend.

9. Found 2 potential apartment complexes that would be nice to move into in February.

10. I'm going to Disneyland in a week and a half!

Angry rant not directed at anyone who would read this

I'm irrationally mad at someone. I hate knowing that it's irrational cause that means I can bitch about it less, but this is my blog so there you have it. I can't call him up yelling so I'll release my frustrations here. I don't have a strong focus here, but I need to let this out.

My last serious relationship didn't end on the best of terms, but we still maintained a friendship for a good long while. He had a little too much to drink on his birthday, I made sure to get him home safe and get him hydrated. His uncle died, I was at the funeral. His parents split, and I was sure to check in on him and brought him out from time to time. I wasn't this uber fantastic friend though, I kept my distance. I was the one that ended things and I didn't want him thinking we were getting back together, but time and time again I tried to be as much a friend to him as I could, after all, we were together for two and a half years.

This all changed not after I started dating again, but after he did. I was so happy that he was moving on. I was dating someone else too around the same time and so I figured it would be great and happy. He was even dating someone who knew the guy I was dating. How perfect is that? I invited both of them to my birthday party and they didn't show. At mutual friends parties the conversations became shorter and colder. I don't think I've changed. My grandfather passed away, the grandfather who he liked him. I got a facebook message of "wow, I'm sorry." That hurt but I understood it to an extent. He was starting off a new relationship, I don't know if maybe his girlfriend didn't get along with my boyfriend.

Then me and the boyfriend broke up, my ex and his girlfriend were still fine, and now it's my parents going through a divorce. As much as that sucks on it's own, it hurts even more that someone who used to swear that they loved me and they cared about me didn't so much as offer a half hearted "if you need to talk give me a call some time." He didn't even have to mean it. I wasn't fully sure if he knew about it, I suspected he did though. Even the guy I dated for 5 months offered to be a sympathetic ear, and I don't even think he liked me all that much. My closest friends help just by asking, and they really can't relate even. One's parents split when he was 6 and he hasn't seen his dad in 10 years, his advice to me is of course to ditch my dad, I don't need them. Another parents are still married though it's difficult at times. Another's mom passed away 6 years ago. They still all let me talk, and let me know I can talk.

The last time I talked to the ex he told me he had heard about it. I think this hurt more than anything. He mentioned it casually, barely looking up from his potato salad. I wanted nothing more than to scream at him all the hurt I was feeling. How it killed me that I tried so hard to be there for him during his bad times and now that I was going through the same damned thing, only add a double dose of alcoholism to mine, and he hastily changes the conversation to his up coming vacation. I do regret things in my past, I know it's unhealthy but I do, and while I don't regret being there for him as a friend, I regret ever thinking he could be a friend for me.

Cause I haven't posted in a while...

I begin this blog only knowing that I'm supposed to write, not knowing what I'll be writing about. I'm tired of only reporting the same old things: parents are divorcing, dad's still drinking, things with the boyfriend are good, things with my job are the same. Hey what do you know, I did that anyways. But there's more to me than bullet points, I'm almost sure of it. I've been planning my future a lot lately which has turned me into one of those people I hate. Those people who are so busy thinking of the next step that they can't even take time to enjoy what they have. But really, I don't feel like I have that much to enjoy right now. I don't mean that how it sounds, life could be way worse than it is, but it's just feeling a little static now and I'm looking forward to a change. Whether that's moving into a place that really feels like I have a right to be there or planning a wedding or starting a new job or caring for a kitten even, I want a change. That's all stuff that's going to happen in the future though. I need to focus on the here and now. Maybe football season will help with that...

More about weddings

Ok, so even more people are getting married this year. It's like almost crazy at this point. I guess I am at that age where people are settling down and whatnot, but seriously, I've just heard about 2 coworkers who got engaged within the last week, I still have my two weddings that I'm a bridesmaid for coming up in October and December, and I just got back from a wedding last weekend. This is nice that there are good happy times to be had and I think it's beautiful that people are celebrating their love and whatnot, but....I'm going broke trying to keep up with all of them. I just had to order my dress for my cousin's wedding which cost me almost $200, I damn well better get to wear this dress again. Then I realized that I'm needing to pay for my tickets out there. And get a present. And get a present for the bridal shower (which I was invited to, but flying out east for that? hells no), and there's the bachelorette party which sounds uber fun, but jeeze, I don't have frequent flyer miles. Then I still need to get a dress and a present for my friend's birthday in October, I luckily already threw the bridal shower and it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to be a big driving force in the bachelorette party too (meaning shell out more money for it). This wedding I went to last week I paid $50 for a present, $120 for a hotel, and my boyfriend paid quite a bit in gas. Not to mention the food and such we had to buy along the way. I was left with a ceremony that was under 2 hours where they tried to convert us all to Baptists and feed us only a slice of cake and some finger foods.

It's definitely getting me thinking about what I'm going to have to do for my wedding. I want to make sure my guests get the bang for their buck, but I also don't want to be going broke paying for it myself. My parents aren't exactly rolling in the money right now but I really do want to celebrate the great union I will partake in. It's just amazing how stressful weddings are, for the people throwing them, for the people going to them, and the people like me who are only hypothetically planning one that might happen in the next couple of years. I feel like I need a nap now...

Real Friends

I'm not entirely sure if I've ever written on this before. I write a lot of blogs that are never actually inputted to my laptop, but this is certainly a topic I've thought of many a time and one at this point in my life is near and dear to my heart.
First off, let me fill all readers in on something that you may or may not know. My mom has asked my dad for a divorce. My parents have been married for 26 years so this is a little bit of a hard pill to swallow. I never once doubted their love for each other. I thought I was one of those lucky folks who would get to plan their parents 50th someday. And even now, the pain and upsetness I feel I can't isolate from the disappointment that I was wrong about things. I'm 24 now, this won't affect me that much. But let me be frank, this sucks. My dad is absolutely desperate to be with my mom and my mom is absolutely desperate to be rid of him. My dad is an alcoholic, this isn't new, but my mom has had enough. He's 4 days sober but that's too little too late. And a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm not fully ready to get into, that's not the point of this blog.
The point is, friends that I thought I was really close to haven't called me up at all, even knowing what I'm going through. I know it's awkward to say "hey, how's your parents divorce going?" but simply asking "how are you doing with everything?" does wonders. I was caught off guard a few weeks back when I was updating a friend on things in my life and he asked how I was doing with my parent situation. It was so refreshing to hear. I got an email from an old friend that I really haven't been close with in over 4 years that I saw last week and updated my life on my parents and he said he was here for me. It's amazing that after so much time and distance has gone by, he's put in any effort to make sure I'm ok at all, and it's so immensely comforting. On the flip of that, my former best friend of the last year and a half only just found out the stuff with my parents and not because she asked how that was going but because I had to explain to her why things were so crappy for me lately. She claims she's missed me, but she's made no effort to do anything with me. I'm just so lost on what's worth trying for and what's not. Who can I talk to? Who can I trust? Who even cares? Eh, enough whining for one night, I'm off to eat ricearoni.

Happy Work Moment

So I agreed to work for Fathers Day despite working at the Tech Museum this summer, and they put me as a closer on Sunday night, the bastards. Marie Callenders closes at 10 pm on Sunday nights. At 9:55 4 men came in. I was pissed. And more importantly tired. They took their time ordering, ordered drinks from the bar I had to make since I was the only server on, and had to go through two credit cards before getting a third that would be accepted. However, they left me a $30 tip and were actually quite delightful and not too demanding, and didn't finish the bottle of wine I recommended for them to which Leo said I could take home. So yay for late customers who are good tippers. It was well worth the extra 30 minutes I had to stay there. Now to sleep.

Been a while...

This post will be short and sweet, but just long enough to keep any of my readers still interested. I think I'm up to two now! Go me!

Career Life:
Started work at the Tech Museum again. Afternoon class is all boys and they actually listen better than the girls. This may be because they're more interested in creating their own video game than the girls are, or maybe I'm just looking that good these days. Either way I'm happy. Should be an awesome summer. On a funny note, when asked "what kinds of people create video games?" rather then answering "artists" or "programers", one of our campers yelled out "Japenese people!" Hard to deny something that seems so true.

Home Life:
Dad may get a job in Texas. He knows I am not going with him, yet he seems to be under the illusion that my mom and brother might, whereas I'm not as sure. Either way, he seems to be counting chickens that aren't even eggs yet. And he yelled at me for not spending more nights at home. Thanks dad, cause you see all the work I put into the household I barely live at anymore.

Personal Life:
Boyfriend's awesome, I love him. Just got back from the 3rd Disneyland trip of the year. I'll be heading back in a month for a wedding. Season pass was a good idea. And Jessica and I seem to be on the mend. Yays, up to two girl friends now.

That's all for now. Feel free to post any questions, comments, riddles, what have you. Better posts will follow soon.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Childhood sentimental crap. I'm trying to clean out my closet right now and I can't bare to part with things from my childhood. I have my American Girl dolls which I don't think I've touched even in the last 7 years, but there they are sitting in my closet and I just can't get rid of them. I don't know if I'm planning on saving them for when I have kids of my own, cause honestly, I never wanted to play with the dolls my mom had when she was a kid. They were old and smelled funny and not nearly as sexy looking as Pink Starlight Barbie. I don't want to give them to goodwill because the girls who will buy them there won't know to use a wig brush on their hair, and oh my god you need to use a wig brush! As I'm typing this right now I'm watching a vhs tape with a special on the spice girls that I recorded ages ago and I can't even part with that. I will likely never watch this tape again, but it's just too damned hard to get rid of. I'm 24, when do I want to get rid of it?