Merry Christmas

Another belated post written on the 26th. Christmas morning I woke up at 6:30 too excited to go back to sleep. I found a bunch of pregnancy websites because I have so many questions. I read all the books on how to conceive but none for what to do once I got here. Did you know my baby is the size of a poppy seed right now? I'm kinda amazed that it's big enough to see at all. That is if those tests I took yesterday are even accurate. I did buy them from the dollar store (which according to my research is just fine, but still...) Ken woke up finally at 9 and said good morning to me and good morning to our baby. I told him I'm still not getting excited til I know for sure it's in there.

We headed over to his sister's where we were greeted with "There's a fresh pot of coffee!" Damn it. "Hey Les, do you have any decaff tea?" Ken asks his sister. It seemed blantenly obvious that I must be pregnant cause why else would I turn down delicious coffee for crappy decaffeinated tea. Luckily, I'm just paranoid cause no one seemed to notice and also offered me a mimosa. I made mine myself when no one was looking and may have "forgotten" to put in the champagne.

As we started unwrapping presents, my sister in law put my mimosa on a table and told me that she would remember which was mine. A few presents in I notice in horror that her husband continued to drink from my orange juice mistaking it for his mimosa. Crap, the jig is up, everyone will know. When Leslie noticed this she yelled at Nathan for drinking mine and handed me his. Ken ran interference and said he'd hold my drink while I opened gifts. I'm still super paranoid that Nathan knows since he has now gotten to the bottom of my mimosa and has yet to taste the champagne, but being that he's been through the whole miscarriage thing I think that if he did figure it out, he would have stayed mum about it.

At my parents it wasn't any easier, especially since my parents are huge drinkers. Dad had bought blue moon for me and there were two bottles of red wine on the table for dinner. Also on the table for dinner: crab cakes. Are they safe to eat? Kenny had told me on our way over that it was going to be tough on me not having crab. And there's no way to find out cause I'm at the dinner table and Dad put one on my plate. I had very tiny bites and but my focus on the peas, steak and potatoes. I poured myself a small glass of wine and put it between Kenny and I. It was just enough wine that people wouldn't be offering me more but not too much that Kenny couldn't gulp down once the bottles were empty and we didn't need to worry that it would get refilled. The thing I love about Kenny is he knows exactly what I was doing and he did it perfectly. I love our psychic connections. We somehow made it out ok and I found out when I got home that not only can I eat crab cakes, but it's high in folic acid which is what my baby needs. Oh well. I'll know for the next time I'm secretly pregnant.

Christmas Eve Surprise

So I think this is going to be a long line of super quiet blogging I do and don't post publicly til much later. This will most likely be posted in March or something. I can assure anyone reading this though that it was written December 25th, 2011.

Christmas Eve was yesterday and given that I had the whole day off I was finally able to go to Ken's grandmother's house for tamale making. I don't like tamales really but that's not important. I got to see all Ken's aunts and cousins (divorce runs high in Ken's family so there wasn't too many uncles). I also got to drink some of Ken's Grandma Stella's famous coffee. I had like three cups. They waited til noon and busted out the wine and beer. No one offered me any though so I stuck to coffee. It was a good time though and I was able to talk sports to Aunt JoJo's boyfriend who is also an Eagles fan.

We got home at 3 and I only have an hour to set up the house before people start coming over for dinner. I went to use the bathroom since I'm full of coffee. Wanting to make sure I was free and clear to drink wine that evening I took a pregnancy test too. This has been a monthly event for me as I'm somewhat irregular. This month I knew I wasn't since it was the month we were too busy to really try for it since I was sick half the month and we both have been working long hours and whatnot. Yet when checking the test I noticed a faint line appearing in the positive column. This must be my mind playing tricks on me. I've been wanting to see a positive for so long I'm making one up in my head. Or this test is broken. Then I see the control line is there too. The positive line is getting ever darker. That is one positive pregnancy test.

"Holy SHIT!" I yell out. Ken asks what I'm yelling about from the other room and I ask him to wait a minute and I run and grab another test to make sure this one isn't a fluke. Sure enough another positive. I take it out to him. He stares at me confused for a moment and I say "You're going to be a dad." A huge smile takes his face and he gives me a big kiss. I'm still shaking and say I need to take another one to be sure. Third once also confirms I am with child. I string out a line of profanities which is very in like me but I'm in shock.

Then it sets in that our families are on the way over and we need to get ready and also not tell them for another 2 months. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do, by the way. The dinner actually turned out very well though and I was freaked out by how often the conversation turned to pregnant talk. It was also fun explaining why I wasn't drinking alcohol or coffee. I was already upset by how much coffee and caffeinated tea I've had the last few weeks. Reading up on it later though the caffeine only increases the miscarriage possibility, so if this baby stays around it won't be hurt by it. Luckily I had a cold so I can say I wasn't drinking cause I didn't want to mix it with my medicine I was taking for it. As for coffee, I didn't want to have any since I'd be going to bed soon.

Our families left and we were able to reflect on the wonderful news we had. I tried emailing my doctor to set up an appointment but it being the holidays, she's on leave. Once again I'm playing the waiting game. I just hope and pray that this is real, that he or she stays in there until August. There's so much to do, but I really think we're ready for it. It is really the best Christmas present I've ever gotten.

Festivus

As my friend Pat wisely pointed out, today is Festivus. This is my first Festivus. I'm woefully unprepared for it as I've been preparing for Christmas. I cross stitched a sign for my parents in law as they're currently living in a converted chicken coop which they've named the Coop De Ville along with their 4 cats and 2 dogs. Things did not turn out as symmetrical as I had hopped but I am truly buying in on the it's the thought that counts defense.

And on the note of it's the thought that counts, for Grandma Jeannette I attempted to do a picture of El Toro. It actually turned out a lot better than I was expecting it to, but that's mostly because I haven't taken a painting class since Elementary school. Mostly. It's at least pretty obvious as to what it's supposed to be a picture of which is always the biggest challenge.

For my brother I'm actually pretty impressed with the final product. He's lately taken to pretending his a sharks fan since that's what all his friends are. To his credit he's watched every game this season and texted me the scores, not taking into account that I don't want him to (see my grievances below). He's finally admitted that he can't be a Ducks fan as well. But yeah, I still don't fully buy it. That said, it was a good excuse to paint the truly awesome logo that is the Sharks.

Anyways, onto the subject of the post. It's Festivus, and while I don't have a festivus pole I can at least take part in the other two parts of the holiday by having a feat of strength and air my grievances. I will wrestle Kenny to the ground later tonight, probably while he's not paying attention so I can win. Here are my grievances of the year:

1. My friends or lack there of. This year sucked balls for me and my friends. I'm facing the new years with fewer than I started. This doesn't bother me so much. People grow apart. I guess what bothers me is the friends I thought I could rely on turned out to hurt me the most. I feel stupid for putting my trust in the wrong people.

2. My promotion being ever out of reach. We have three library workers retiring this year. My supervisor advised me to apply for one of their old jobs. If I get it I have more hours, a raise, and more responsibility. I could quit my second job. I applied for the job a few months ago and haven't heard anything about it since.

3. My parents on again off again divorce. Dad doesn't want it, Mom does when she feels like she's not getting enough attention. I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm sick of it.

4. I didn't get pregnant as easily as my or Ken's folks. I thought it would be once you decide to have kids, boom, you're pregnant. I'm not. Nor have I been the last 4 months I've tried. Which would be ok except since we just had to tell our folks I know they're expecting it and now I feel like I'm disappointing more than just me and Ken.

5. I don't have my guest room towel or laundry because a certain sister in law took it with her when she finally moved out and has yet to bring it back. And on that note...

6. There's still a goddamn dresser in our guest room that isn't ours.

7. We don't have cable right now because Ken has yet to set it up since installing the mantle. No biggie for him since he never watches it. Meanwhile I've been paying 100 a month these last two months for tv I can't watch. I miss my football.

8. Eagles suck this year! Like they're terrible. It hurts.

9. My brother is annoying as all hell. He sends me stupid text messages about Jonah Hill losing weight. Or he just took a biology test. I don't care. It's sad he doesn't have more friends than his sister but oh my god I'm going crazy trying to be a good sister and spend time with him. He's annoying, decides he likes certain things and then won't shut up about them. I'm going to crack soon.

10. Morgan died this year. This will be my first christmas without her out here since that first christmas where I got the doggie bone indicating that we could get her. It sucks.

I think that's good. Anymore and I might punch a wall or something. Hope you and yours have a happy Festivus and a Merry Christmas.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Well, I've officially had a request to blog again and I'm not one to disappoint. So let me update with some fun things going on in my life. Firstly, my kitchen is done! And beautiful, if I don't say so myself.

The fridge will of course be updated as we find ourselves with excess of moneys. The stove is brand new though, stainless steel, gas lined, 5 range. I love it. It's beautiful and cooks food perfectly.

Also beautiful: our counter tops. They have flecks of green and cranberry in it. It matches the beautiful cabinets that are not actually cherry wood as they look, but stained at a much cheaper price. We also have our new dishwasher delivered today. It too is stainless steel and I'll post pictures once it's installed.

Secondly, it's Christmas* time! I'm surprisingly excited about it this year, I think mostly just because we have a house to decorate. Which we have:

Ken did an amazing time hanging the lights, though we still do need a wreth for the door. It's still feeling a lot like cozy holiday though. We've been making either hot apple cider or hot tea every evening. We also have our new fireplace installed. It's a gas line so we don't have to worry about any save the air days. There is also something very Christmasy feeling about a nice open fire. Complete with stockings by the fire.

 Why yes, that is a beautiful new mantle, thank you for noticing. I feel pretty on top of my shopping this year. If I haven't gotten people their gifts yet, I at least know what I'm getting them. I'm glad that I won't be going completely broke this year. My inlaws want homemade gifts so I'm cross stiching them something for their new home. I'm making Ken's Grandma a painted picture. I'll take pictures of both  once completed. Now if I could only get over this horrible cold I could maybe finish them.

*I say Christmas time because I celebrate Christmas, if I celebrated Hanukkah, I'd say it's Hanukkah time! If I celebrated Kwanzaa or however it's spelt, and you get the picture. I'm tired of people getting offended by the word Christmas. I'm not offended by "Happy Hanukkah" or "Happy Veteran's Day" (I'm not a Veteran after all) or anything. Saying Merry Christmas is saying I hope you have a great next few days.

Shouldn't be taken as an offensive statement. And that's my Christmas rant.

So to all my readers out there: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Happy November!

I haven't written in a while and neither have the two other blogs I read. I think of how upset that makes me and I realize my hypocrisy. So in case someone is quietly reading this, here you go!

Well on the home front we are almost done with our kitchen remodel. I am super stoked about this for a couple of reasons. This is the last big project in the house meaning that once this goes in we don't have anything we'll need to save up for. We'll be done and then we'll just have fun regular home upkeep bills. Also this means we'll get to make meals at home which will be both cheaper and yummier. Especially with the weather the way it is, hot cocoa sounds so yummy and I refuse to make it in the microwave. Pictures to come.

We're also in the early stages of family planning, which I can safely tell my blog no one reads since Ken wanted to tell our folks. To me it feels too early to tell anyone, unless they hound us asking where's the baby to which I've always wanted to tearfully reply "We're trying, but the doctors say we're probably barren." and make the person feel bad for asking such a ridiculous personal life changing question. I mean seriously, do people honestly not think about having kids until that lady they used to work with  that they ran into at the grocery store ask? "Hey honey, I guess society tells us we're supposed to procreate, as we've only got 7 billion people on earth now, we best get to it!" Part of me will be just fine if it's just me and Ken, especially since we got the three adorable kitties. Yet, another part of me yearned to be one of the parents taking their little ones around door to door trick or treating last week. Little girls dressed up as princesses are so damned cute!

And finally on the social scene I have work friends now! Ones I actually see outside of work who invite me to the places they're at. It's pretty sweet. I feel a lot of my high school friends drifting away and I'll be the first to admit that I'm the cause of such things. After a horrible party in 2010 I just didn't see the point in spending my precious little spare time with insults and drama. That's not to say they are bad people, far from it, they're amazing and fun and full of life. I'm not though. I'm a boring middle aged housewife and honestly, that works for me. My weekends aren't well spent going hiking or drinking or playing video games. They're better when spent cleaning or painting or reading. Maybe I'm just becoming an introvert. I don't know. That's something to ponder in a future post. Right now, I'm just happy to get together and bitch about managers with some slightly younger peers who also love How I met your mother.

Full on Grown-up

Well, I'm 27 now. In my late 20's. That's, like, old. First season of "Friends" had Monica say she was 26, and I remember watching that at age 12 and thinking, "Wow, that is like a full on grown up." And I guess that's what I am too. I reread my post last year and can't help but to feel a little proud. I do have that extra ring on my finger. I have that house in the neighborhood with the good school. I do have more hours at the library, though not nearly as many as I'd like. I'll post more on that later. No bun in the oven yet, but not for lack of trying (more on that later too).

This birthday I also get my house back. My sister in law has been staying with us since May and she's pretty much moved out now. I mean most of her stuff's still here but Kenny promises it will be out this week. I can vacuum at 10 am without worry of waking someone. I can get stamps from the guest room at any time. I can wear my skimpy night gown once more. I have full run of the house. Woot! That's really the best birthday present I could hope for. I mean, I'm all for helping out family but I really like my space. And 5 months is plenty for helping out family. Other gifts included the first two seasons of Community and season 6 of How I met your mother, so I'll be quite occupied for this week. Quite a few gift cards too. Not really sure what to buy with them. Shoot, maybe this is maturity. Like material goods don't buy happiness or something. Na, that can't be. I spent a couple of hundred dollars down at Disneyland this weekend and felt happy as a clam. Though thinking of it now most of that stuff was for other people...

Anyways, where do I want to be at 28? Motherhood most likely. I have baby fever in the worst kind of way only made worse by my cousin's adorable baby girl. She's so far away that I'll need to have my own lest I go broke trying to visit the east coast more often. I also want to be down to one job, be it the library or some other job I'm in love with, this whole 2 half time job thing ain't cutting it. I also want to rid myself of the crap I don't use. I've lived with Ken almost 3 years now and few things have moved over with me. I should get rid of the things that haven't and I should get rid of the things that have and aren't used. This will be my big winter project. Especially if I'm planning on bringing more stuff into our house, even if it will be baby sized. I'll keep you posted on how it turns out.

The return of...

Fun Fact Friday!

1. I am not able to fall asleep without either a tv or radio (ipod) on.  Absolute quiet has me thinking too much.

2. Pizza is the only leftover I will ever knowingly eat.

3. I have offically crossed the line into preferring beer and wine over mixed drinks. Hope I never go back.

4. I can not bring myself to get rid of a pair of shoes until they are completely unwearable. It doesn't matter if I bought them years ago and the pricetag is still on them. My husband is not a fan of this trait.

5. In honor of my upcoming Disneyland Halloween trip: My favorite Disney villian is Ursula. She makes being a hidious monster sexy somehow. This woman is amazing.

Decorating Class 3

I know I complained a lot about the first decorating class being so expensive, but actually the last couple of classes were relatively cheap. And fun, surprisingly fun. Class 3 we got to decorate cupcakes and make little flowers on them. Here are some of them:

This one here was probably the easiest and arguably the most impressive. Just iced a cupcake with blue frosting. Then make 3 white dots on either side for the clouds and attach them with a sour rainbow strip. It looks complex but is quite simple. 

This one here I over did a bit, the bottom petals are supposed to be a bit smaller, but you get the idea. The teacher also told us a cool way to alter it to make it look like a christmas tree, so I'm set for the holiday season now!

This is one of the roses I did. I did this one with a star tip which is not the "wilton" way to do a rose, but lets be honest, it gets the job done and as you'll see below turned out a bit better. It was much easier to do  as well. The leaves were really fun to make too and I think really gave the flowers life.

This is the rose, not impossible, but hard to do when the icing won't go out evenly through the top. I think if I wanted to fix up the petals with decorating brush I could.

To the left we have a shaggy mum, very easy and fun, kinda like playing with the play dough fun factory again. Above we have tiny rosests, like my big rose, but smaller. Makes for a good border.










These are probably my favorite. They remind me a bit of those flowers they have in Hawaii. I used them a lot in my final cake.

Here are all the cupcakes I brought in to the library. It's amazing how many different looks I could get out of a few bags of frosting. I'm definitely trying out new looks once I have a reason to make cupcakes. I guess the holidays are coming and these are so much easier to make than a full cake.

Baby Fever

So I know I'm supposed to give an update on my decorating class, but I don't have the energy for that right now. It's going well though, and I'll post pictures and stuff later. I'm very jittery from drinking a whole pot of coffee by myself this morning. Why a whole pot you ask? Good question. I'll get back to you on that one. It was one of those good ideas I have like finishing the bottle of wine by myself or eating all the pasta so I don't have to throw any out.

Last night, I had not 2, not 3, but 4 dreams about taking a pregnancy test to positive results. First off, I hate dreams where I pee, it makes me really scared when I wake up that I'm gonna wake up in a puddle. Second off, I know I'm not pregnant. Like positive I'm not. So what's the deal? I may just have babies on the brain. Last night Ken and I went over our friends house to have pizza with their two and 3/4th kids (she's due in December). Their oldest who's almost 3 loves me. She was following me around all night, constantly sitting on my lap, giving me hugs, really pushing on my biological clock. Ken said I'm not allowed to visit the kiddos til the dreams subside.

I don't know, I mean I'm almost 27, I'm married to my partner of 3 years, I have a house so it's not completely out of the question to have kids, but do I really want them? Ken's great with kids, like really really awesome with them. We had people over to the house a few weeks back and he was playing with the kids in the backyard as if they were his own. He's a father, he just doesn't have kids yet. When I see him light up with kids there's no way I can deny him that.

This will change both our lives significantly though. It means less vacations, no more afternoons at the wineries, at least not for a while, and no guest room (though that's nothing new).I feel like I just got my adult life, am I ready to start my parent one? I feel like this is the time, but I'm enjoying life so much right now I don't want that to change. Is there a way to freeze time for the next year or two where we won't get older? I suppose it's not out of the question to put off having kids for the next couple of years. My parents didn't have me til 30 and even if I waited two years I'd still be ahead of them. But Ken's ready now. I know he is. And having kids might take a few years of trying too. Maybe I should just see what happens. *Sigh* how does one know when's the right time?

The World's Best Puppy

I experienced arguably the biggest loss I've ever experienced in my life this last week. My 15 year old puppy had to be put down last Friday. For the first time in my life I've experienced heartbreak.

I was lucky enough to get Morgan as a Christmas present when I was 12. My mom put a dog bone in my Christmas stocking and told me that we should go find a dog that would enjoy it. This led us on a 6 month journey to find the perfect dog. On May 27th, 1997, our journey was complete. We followed a C.A.R.E. listing to a home with two puppies born on March 25th, a boy and a girl. We had wanted a boy. Had a name all picked out (Homer). But when we got to the home, this baby girl was placed in my arms and immediately started licking my face. We were told she was the smarter of the two. She was not the prettier of the two, as her brother was black and adorable. It didn't matter though, I was sold. I turned up to my mom and said I want her. And then we got to bring her home.

The naming process was a long one. We made a big long list of all the names we would want to name her and then had to pick our final 2 which we would vote on. Mom's was Amore and something else equally lame. Mine were Cookie and Pebbles. Dan's was Kimberly (after the pink power ranger) and Morgan (after Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island). Mom though naming a dog after the town you lived in was cool and therefore won. At first I vowed not to call her Morgan, but eventually I came around.

Morgan was my dog. She was the family dog, but she was really my dog. She slept on my bed every night. She would always come to me when my brother and I would have a contest calling her to each of us seeing who she would go to. I took her on walks. I took her to the dog park with my friend Brian. I gave her baths. Hugs. Flower leis as collars.



One time when I took her to lake with my friends I was swimming across it I look back and saw Morgan swimming after me. She couldn't bear to be apart from me for that long. Once she caught up she tried to climb up on my back. It was hard but I got the both of us over to the other side. It was one of those times that I realized how much she cared about me.

Whenever I was upset, Morgan had a sixth sense about it. She would come up next to me and let me know she was there for me. She came up next to me and just sat as I cried. Not begging for attention or anything, just letting me know she was there. It was the most amazing thing.

Then Morgan starting getting old. We were scared there wasn't much time left for her. To help ease the process we adopted Butters, a maltipoo. This actually helped breath new life into her. She was playful again. Running around. Youthful. It was wonderful. For this reason alone, I will always be thankful for him. It was not meant forever. Slowly she was losing ability to walk. On Friday when I went to visit she had gone from 3 working legs to 2. She could barely hold her head up. Mom told me she'd been whimpering the last few days and wouldn't come in from outside. We knew it was time.

We got a vet appointment and took her in sobbing all the way through. In the waiting room my mom talked to the front desk as I made hazy eye contact with the cataract filled eyes of my once playful pup. She gave me one last kiss.I held on to my sweet puppy as the vet gave her something to put her to sleep. She said after she fell asleep we could leave her there and they'd finish the job. I told her we needed to be the through it all. Morgan slowly faded to dream land in my arms, my brother Dan petting her head, and my mom crying at the door. The vet put in the fatal needle as I wanted to scream I changed my mind and wanted to keep her around. I didn't though. I knew that would be selfish. I knew Morgan needed to move on.

After she had past we put her on the table. Staring at her lifeless body, tears running down my face I was glad I didn't wait til this site awaited me at home. Her death involved her favorite person holding her and her other favorite petting her and staring into her eyes, both of us repeating over and over "Good girl. We love you so much." It's the kind of death I want to have when I'm 105 (which is what she was in dog years). I'm so lucky I haven't lived with her these last 3 years. When I come home to work I'm still greeted by 3 kitties, one of who is laying on me as I type this. I can still pretend Morgan is happily playing at my folks house. I'm sure she is in Doggie Heaven. And when I go, I know I'll see her again.

I made a promise to her on her death bed to never love another dog as much as I loved her. That's a promise I feel confident that I can keep.